Calm Like a Bomb

"I never realised you went on shoreleave," Joker muttered uncomfortably in her direction as he shifted his weight, unsettled. He and Shepard were the unfortunate guests aboard the elevator when it had decided, apparently, to be temperamental.

"Yeah, Horizon was a vacation and a fucking half," Shepard said as she lolled her head on the metal of the elevator wall to look at him. "Get shot in the ass, then dumped and called a traitor by those you love. Yeah, Horizon was all kinds of great." Her tone was acidic, bitter, and it did not match the soft smile that played on Bailie's lips. As quickly as their eyes met, Bailie dropped her gaze away, and they were silent for a moment. Sourly, she slapped at the button again. The elevator once more lurched in response, but stopped and hung suspended in the shaft. Shepard slid to the floor, resting her elbows on her knees. Silence reigned.

"Well, I don't think you're a traitor," Joker's voice broke the quiet at last. "and he's a cock if he does. Er, Commander," He added, the pilot nodding with conviction.
"Relax, Joker. It's after hours for the both of us and I really can't take this whole rank-and-file business right now." She looked at the floor with hollow eyes as she rubbed her closely shaven temple, her head thudding with lack of sleep and dehydration. She let slip a heavy sigh. "Honestly, if I get one more salute tonight I might just scream."

"Don't let it get to you, Shepard. He's just an ass. I've been privvy to your command since day one, and there's no way you could be a traitor. If he wants to be stupid about it, let him." Joker shrugged with feigned nonchalance. She looked up at him from the floor, blinking her startlingly green eyes.
"Thank you," Bailie gave him the most genuine smile she could muster. In his own spiny, ornery way, she could see that Joker was trying to help her feel better. "It's just kind of the straw and the camel's back, you know? As if I don't have enough crap to worry about."
"Yeah, I hear ya," he responded quietly, unsure how to be Shepard's shoulder. Scuttlebutt said nobody had heard anything from her about seeing Alenko on the planet, and the response he'd gotten to his initial innocent probing question a few days ago about the incident had betrayed the storm he could see brewing in her. It was clearly a bad time to be on her negative side. Leaning back on the handrail, he wondered when the technicians would repair the elevator.

"You ever had a girlfriend, Joker?" Shepard tilted her head as she eyed him. Evidently she had prodded a sore nerve, she noted, as he straightened up, letting his hands drop to his sides.
"No, not really."
"Why not?" She inquired.
"Too busy busting my ass at school. Why?"
"It's just, I don't know. Nevermind." Shepard sighed, figuring the conversation was over. It had been foolish of her to bring this up, but when did she ever have a moment to confide in anybody?
"She wasn't a girlfriend. At least, not officially. I wouldn't have called her a girlfriend so much as a man-devouring bitch, but that's just me."

Bailie gestured for him to continue, curious about her helmsman. She had always enjoyed joking around with him, and had found an odd synchronicity with his personality that she enjoyed.
"I don't like to talk about it," He snorted, suddenly a little defensive.
"Come on, you can't just whip out a tagline like that and then not elaborate. Regale me. We'll be stuck in here for some time, let's swap sob stories."
"She was just this girl I knew, took my time and what little I had. Turned out I was her little joke among her circle of friends. Including her boyfriend," Joker sneered as he thrust his hands in his pockets. "There's my story."
"Did you love her?" Bailie sniffed, watching as he slid down the brushed steel wall of the elevator to sit beside her.
"What's that got to do with anything?" He snapped, his greyish green eyes darted at her, meeting hers for but a second.
"Rough, Joker. That's rough. I'm sorry."
"That was a long time ago. She dropped out and works at some club on the Citadel now. Guess karma bit her in the ass," Joker grunted. "What the hell did Alenko say to you?"

Bailie looked up from the floor and met his gaze, startled at his sudden question.
"H-he said that he couldn't trust anything I'd said because I work with Cerberus now. That I'd spat on everything we believed in and stood for. He didn't listen to me when I told him that I was dead. He didn't seem to get that when I was woken up, I couldn't just magically appear at the Citadel and everything would be okay. He told me that he'd thought we had something serious, but I was a traitor, both to him, and to the Alliance. Said he didn't know where my loyalties lie. He completely ignored me when I told him the Reaper threat was still out there and behind these colony attacks. He told me that... that he'd loved me back then," her elbow rested on her knee, holding her head up, and her unwavering eyes were filled with pain. For the first time, Joker noticed how physically small this supposedly unstoppable force of a woman was. As she stumbled through the words, despite himself, he felt something jostle loose in his chest. Now wasn't the time for that.
"And that was that. He was going back to the Council to report. He left," Shepard said flatly as looked at him with a manufactured blank expression. He knew that expression.

Joker could feel the warmth of her body next to his, barely a fingers breadth away. How had they gotten so close? Now was not the time for this. Not the time to remember how he had looked on from afar, looked out for her, and had taken notice every time she had selflessly risked her neck for the galaxy. Not the time to remember how he had never asked for a thing, and watched as she ran into the arms of someone else. Definitely not the time to remember how she had died for him. This warmth he felt next to him was deeply familiar, and yet alien beyond anything he could describe. Sheepishly, he recalled a comment she had made during one of their several drinking episodes.
"You really seem to get me, you know?" she'd said, grinning over her glass. "You and me, we just kind of click like that!"
He had hoarded those words almost jealously, kept them tucked away somewhere deep and private. Sometimes he would reminisce, and in feverish moments he had even gone beyond conjecture and into wild fantasy. It was true that he'd always had something for Shepard, even something more than just a crude and visceral attraction, but hell if he would admit it. Any of it. Instead, he took to watching Bailie, and suppressing the almost violent thrill of being so close to her that he could smell the soap she'd used in the shower.

She was staring at the floor, seemingly lost in thought. She looked so despondent that he almost said something, but thought better of it. Best to keep these things quiet. Why ruin a good friendship? Shepard would be fine. Shepard was always fine. Within the space of a day she'd get some task or other to do and she'd be off like a well-bred racehorse, her guns blazing to save the day yet again. She'd come back, he'd say 'hello,' and she'd go and talk to someone more verbose. Maybe even find solace with someone more verbose.

"Joker?" she asked as she turned her head from whatever minute detail it was on the floor that had captured her attention.
"Yeah?"
"Thanks for listening to me, and you know, not making a big deal about it. I guess I just want to tell you I really appreciate you and what you do for me. For all of us," she leaned her head back against the wall with a soft thud, suddenly aware that she'd given away a part of herself that she didn't want anybody to see.
"Uh, yeah. No problem. You gonna unload like this often? I could get one of those couches, you know. A cigar, too," he replied, deflecting the seriousness of what she'd said. Bailie grinned in response, keeping her eyes with dark hollows beneath them focussed on his.
"I don't make a habit of this, you know that. But I really do just want you to know. I notice. It's partly why I come up and talk to you every time I make it back. At the end of the day I know I've only done half the job of saving my own ass, it's you who's done the rest," Shepard sighed from fatigue, then closed her eyes. "Although, I suppose the sight of you in small wire rimmed glasses, chewing on a cigar, asking me to 'lie down and look at the potted plant' would be worth the acquisitions order," Shepard chuckled softly, and she gently put a hand on her friend's shoulder.