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Lord Raptor's Bogus Journey	By : whydidyoueatmyfries Category: +A through F > Darkstalkers Views: 2322 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: Capcom owns Darkstalkers. This was written for fun, not profit.

Chapter List
- 1-Party's Over
- 2-No One Likes Mei Ling
- 1
- 2
Lord Raptor woke up covered in crusted jizz and ectoplasmic ghost shit. Most of last night was a blank, but he had a vague memory of a vodka bottle and felt around for it. All he found was a fucked-up headless doll. The doll was also covered in jizz and ghost shit.
Raptor stared at it for a minute, then used it to wipe his ass and balls. He tossed it over the graveyard fence, stood up, pulled up his pants, and staggered off to find some breakfast.
****MEANWHILE, AT STATELY AENSLAND MANOR****
Lilith woke up and open palm slammed a VHS into the slot. It was the first Pokemon movie and right then and there Morrigan disowned her.
Morrigan had a servant draw up the official document, which she signed in wax with the Aensland clan signet ring, and sent it to Lilith’s room with a personal note: “Lilith. You are the worst succubus ever. I can’t believe you came out of me.”
Lilith couriered her response: “Piss off. I don’t need you. I’m going to live with Jedah. He’s my boyfriend and he loves me.”
She didn’t have a fancy-shmancy carved gemstone ring like Morrigan’s, but she had made her own ring out of Crayola Fuckin’ Model Magic, and she used it to stamp her personal seal: a smiling Pikachu-like creature with bat wings on its head.
“What the fuck is this? Get out of my house!” Morrigan tossed the servant from the window of her tower bedroom when she read Lilith’s reply.
“SORRY, MISTRESS MORRIGAAAAAAAAAN!”
Morrigan leaned out her window and watched as a cloud of bats carried Lilith away from the castle. The ones that weren’t directly supporting Lilith were weighted down with her video games, dildos, Pokemon crap, and Jedah body pillow.
Morrigan almost felt sorry for her, but then she saw how the pile of video games towered over the pile of dildos. No. No, that was unacceptable. Fuck Lilith. She WAS the worst succubus ever.
Lilith saw Morrigan watching and formed one of her back wings into a giant hand, which she used to flip Morrigan off.
Morrigan reciprocated.
****MEANWHILE, AT THE EDGE OF A FOREST****
Two boys sat around the ashes of last night’s campfire.
“He said he’d be here. Jon never breaks a promise,” the older boy insisted.
“I can’t wait. I want to learn how to be a ninja!” said the younger boy.
“Hey, this isn’t about movie stunts,” the older boy warned him. “Martial arts are about honor, dignity, respect…”
As he spoke, something stumbled out of the woods and into the clearing.
The boys stared in horror at the creature before them.
The wild man’s hair was filthy and matted with dried vomit. His bloodshot eyes rolled terribly. He gestured at them feebly with dirt-caked hands.
“*burp* Hammuna hah…”
Jon threw up again and fell over on his face.
The boys screamed and ran.
Talbain cried like a bitch.
****LATER, IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING NOWHERE****
Donovan prayed to the gods of light, goodness, and chastity to make his boner go away. So far, it wasn’t working.
He clenched his jaw. Drops of sweat rolled down his forehead and dripped from his nose. He was concentrating with every particle of his willpower, and still it would not quit.
He couldn’t understand why it was so oddly persistent this time. He’d been meditating, as usual, to prepare himself for another day of battling Darkstalkers. And then, out of nowhere, there it was, and there it stayed.
He took deep breaths. He hummed meaningless tunes. He thought about the old monk who had first trained him to fight against evil. When that didn’t work, he thought about square dancing, lutefisk, and Victor’s swamp ass. That still wasn’t enough, so he tried to imagine the worst, nastiest thing… Something unnatural, something that shouldn’t exist…
Morrigan! The thought of her instantly filled him with rage, which relieved him. Self-righteous anger was a much more comfortable state of mind for him. Yes, Morrigan, that filthy temptress. Always shaking her ass at him like she thought it upset him. Well, it… It didn’t! It definitely didn’t. Didn’t sneak into his thoughts at the most inopportune moments, didn’t bounce and wiggle in his daydreams…
Donovan stood up. Clearly, sitting and thinking about it wasn’t going to help. He had to find something constructive to do. Maybe there was a demon hanging around that he could slay.
As he looked around, something landed with a rubbery-sounding splat on the rocks behind him.
He whirled to face it, whatever it was.
It was about seven inches long, pale blue, and shiny.
A squeaky female voice came from the sky: “You dumbshits! That’s my favorite! Go get it!”
Donovan tilted his head up.
Far above him, he saw Lilith hovering in the air, reclining imperiously on a cloud of bats. She was pointing down at the dildo on the ground.
She saw him looking up and giggled, then waved. “Oh, hi, Donovan. Having fun?”
“Foul creature of the Dark!” he answered, a little shakily. “Prepare to meet your doom!”
“Oh, is that what you call him? I’d just call him Donny.”
While Donovan clenched his fists and sputtered in rage and embarrassment, Lilith gestured at her bats to take her down. She descended to just above ground level and hopped down.
Donovan held out his hand. His loyal sword uprooted itself from the earth and whirled through the air. The handle fit neatly into the palm of his hand. He gripped it tightly, ready for war.
Lilith just stood there with her hands on her hips, smirking slightly, watching him.
“Now, demon! Face me in combat!”
“Is that what you call it?” she teased.
Donovan was getting annoyed. “Stop saying that. At least come up with something new.”
“Oh, maybe I’ll try a little harder. Just for you, big boy.” She sauntered over and smirked up at him.
He glared down at her, trying to reassure himself with the comfortable weight of his sword in his hand. He was… definitely almost about to attack her. Just looking for weaknesses.
Lilith reached up and ran her hand along his jawline.
He clenched his teeth. The muscles in his jaw twitched.
“Ooh, you’re so tense. Want me to loosen you up?”
“Wha—how? I mean, no!”
“Are you suuuure?” She lowered her eyelids and looked up at him through her thick, dark eyelashes.
This time, his jaw wasn’t the only thing that twitched.
Lilith giggled again. “You don’t look sure. I think I’ll just show you.”
Before he could answer, she was on her knees in front of him, running her hands under his robe and up his thighs.
Donovan opened his mouth to yell. All that came out was a small gasp.
He could feel her soft, rapid breath on his skin.
His sword fell to the ground. He moved his hands to the back of her head and grabbed handfuls of her hair. He was… definitely going to pull her head away… Just needed to get a good grip…
He gasped again as he felt her mouth on him.
The last of his willpower jumped ship.
He closed his eyes and tilted his head back. His lips parted and an involuntary moan escaped.
He could feel Lilith smiling. It didn’t slow her down.
With his eyes shut, the only sensations were her soft hair in his fingers and her soft lips moving back and forth. Occasionally she’d lick him and he’d feel his knees threatening to give out. He was completely helpless, and it felt so good.
Suddenly she pulled away. He felt cold, wilting air.
He opened his eyes and looked down.
She was still on her knees, but now she was staring at the screen of some kind of handheld device and mashing buttons.
He licked his lips. His mouth felt very dry. “Lilith…”
“One sec,” she said, without any emotion. “Someone wants to battle.”
“But can’t it wait…”
“Hold your fucking horses, okay?”
He heard someone scoff, almost in his ear.
“You have one job, Lilith. ONE. JOB.”
He looked over his shoulder so fast that he felt the muscles in his neck protest. Morrigan was standing right behind him. He was mortified. How long had she been watching?
“Whatever,” said Lilith. She was completely absorbed in her Pokemon battle.
Morrigan smirked at him. “You know, I’m glad you’re branching out, Donovan, but you should try a professional. Like me.” She traced a finger down his chest and licked her lips.
But Donovan had had enough. The humiliation of being caught in this situation, by his nemesis Morrigan no less, was too much. He pushed Morrigan away, stepped back from both of them, and held out his hand for his sword.
Morrigan rolled her eyes as Donovan struck a battle pose. “Whatever, you fucking prude. You’ll never know what you could’ve had. By the way, nice work, Lilith. You and your fucking Pokemon.”
Lilith absent-mindedly formed one of her wings into a middle finger as Morrigan leapt into the air and took flight.
Donovan awkwardly held his pose. Morrigan was gone, and Lilith was paying him no attention. After a while he gave up and walked away.
****MEANWHILE, NEAR A RIVER****
Raptor peeked cautiously around the tree.
The girls didn’t know he was there.
He’d arrived too late to actually see them get naked, and they were mostly staying neck-deep in the water, but he saw some decent cleavage as they swam around and splashed each other. Enough to jerk off to, anyway.
As his hand slithered inside his pants and closed around his cock, he noticed two strange things.
One was that his dick was still limp, even with Hsien Ko and Mei Ling skinny dipping in front of him. Weird.
The other strange thing was…
He zoned out for a while. It took a lot of mental power to examine this sensation, because it was so unfamiliar.
It was… remorse?
And he only felt it when he looked at Mei Ling.
What the fuck? What had he done to her, and why would he give a shit? He hated Mei Ling.
He stood with his cock in his hand, trying to remember. His thoughts wandered, as they often did, to big blue boobies.
And then he suddenly remembered what he’d said to Mei Ling to make her cry. Raptor realized with shock that he actually felt genuine regret.
He still hated Mei Ling, but he was a man of principle. One does not insult perfectly good titties. And they were damn decent titties. Not as big as her sister’s, but all right. She just kept them hidden in that stupid yellow bathrobe all the time.
There were plenty of things to insult Mei Ling about, and he felt like an asshole for picking one that wasn’t even true.
Goddamn it. Maybe she hadn’t told her sister about it yet. Maybe he could get Mei Ling alone and try to apologize to her before she wrecked his chances with Hsien Ko forever. Or maybe he could get her alone and punt her off a cliff. Either way would solve his problem. Unless she’d already told, in which case he was fucked.
As for his floppy noodle dick, it was annoying, but he didn’t need to be hard to jack off in the bushes.
There was just one problem. Nothing was happening. It wasn’t just that he wasn’t getting hard. There was no sensation at all. He might as well have been jerking off a tree branch. Except that would be stiffer. Fuck.
The girls were climbing out and getting dressed now.
Raptor was no closer to coming than he’d been twenty minutes ago. He kept trying, and his cock just did not even give a shit.
Finally, he ran out of fucks to give. He stuffed it back into his pants and decided to tackle this problem with Mei Ling head on. He strolled right out of the trees and headed over.
They both freaked out. Mei Ling pulled her robe over herself and glared at him. Hsien Ko screamed and hid behind Mei Ling.
Raptor remembered to pretend to be surprised and turn away. “Sorry, ladies, sorry. Look, I don’t even care. I need to talk to Mei Ling.”
“Why would I want to talk to you? Go away.”
“Get over yourself, bitch. I just…”
“RAPTOR!”
Raptor cringed. Hsien Ko sounded more pissed-off than he’d ever heard her before.
“Sorry…”
“How long were you watching us?” Mei Ling cut in.
Raptor tried to stay calm. He was beginning to think this was not a very good idea. “Look, I just got here, I swear,” he lied. “I really need to talk to you. It’s about last night.”
“Oh… Really?” Mei Ling drew the words out slowly.
“What does he mean? What happened?” Hsien Ko sounded confused now. And a little worried.
Raptor felt a little sliver of hope. She didn’t know yet.
“The, um, uh…” His mind suddenly flashed to the sad, sodden thing he’d wiped his ass with that morning. “The kid’s doll. I really found it this time. But I want Mei Ling to come with me, because, uh, she won’t take as long to get dressed.”
“Oh… Really?” Mei Ling repeated, in the exact same way.
“Yeah, really. Are you ladies dressed yet?”
“Yes,” said Mei Ling.
“Almost,” said Hsien Ko.
“See? That’s what I’m talking about. Come on.”
He headed into the woods. He heard the girls whispering to each other, then footsteps crunching through the leaves. He looked back. Mei Ling was following him.
Over Mei Ling’s shoulder, he saw Hsien Ko hurrying to catch up with them.
He grabbed Mei Ling and pulled her behind a tree.
“GET YOUR HANDS OFF—”
“Shh! I want to say I’m sorry for what I said last night.”
Mei Ling pushed him away and glared at him.
“Please don’t tell your sister about it. I’m so, so sorry, Mei Ling. You have very nice tits.”
She slapped him.
“Fuck! What is your fucking problem?”
Hsien Ko caught up with them. “What’s going on?”
“He’s lying again. And he insulted me again.”
Hsien Ko sighed. She looked sad, not angry. Somehow that was worse. “Raptor, you know this means we can’t be friends anymore.”
“But, but baby, I said I was sorry!”
“I’m sorry too, Raptor. Goodbye.”
“Oh, come on!” He grabbed Hsien Ko’s arm.
Mei Ling slapped his hand, and Hsien Ko pulled away from him. They both turned their backs on him and started walking.
Raptor ran in front of them and got down on his knees. “Hsien Ko! Baby! I can’t lose you. I can’t.”
Hsien Ko looked away sadly.
Mei Ling patted him derisively on the shoulder. “I guess you should’ve thought of that before you—”
Raptor stood up and backhanded Mei Ling.
Before he really knew what was happening, Hsien Ko had grabbed him and thrown him to the ground. She looked down at him like she didn’t know who he was. She was empty, and she was going to fucking destroy him.
Mei Ling looked as surprised as Raptor was.
“Baby…” He smiled nervously up at her.
Hsien Ko blinked. “Raptor?” She looked over at Mei Ling, who had her hand to her face. “What happened?”
Mei Ling shrugged.
“Gosh, Raptor. I’m sorry. Are you okay?” Hsien Ko held out her hand to help him up.
Mei Ling stopped her. “He’s fine. Come on, let’s go.”
“Oh. Okay. Um, Raptor, I mean that. We can’t be friends. So please don’t follow us.”
Mei Ling waved mockingly at Raptor as she and Hsien Ko walked away.
****LATER, AT FELICIA'S HOUSE****
Felicia finished brushing the twigs and most of the dried vomit chunks out of Jon’s hair. She was so glad she’d found him while it was still daylight. He was much easier to clean when he wasn’t covered in fur.
He was hunched in the tub, naked, with his hands over his face and his knees pressed tight together.
Felicia gently rubbed his back. “Okay, stand up.”
He shook his head.
“Come on, Jon. Get up. You need a shower.”
He removed one hand from his face, using the other to keep his eyes covered, and pointed at the bathroom door.
“It’s not like I’ve never seen you naked before, silly.”
He started crying.
Felicia sighed. “Fine. I’ll be in the living room.” She went to the sink, washed her paws, and used extreme self-restraint in not slamming the door on her way out.
She couldn’t understand why she was so angry at poor Jon. Clearly, he needed help. And of course she was the one taking care of him, as she took care of everyone. Poor Jon. Poor, helpless, blubbering, puke-covered Jon. He was a grown man. He should be more than capable of taking care of himself, yet there he was in her shower, a pathetic mess. What was his problem?
She heard a knock at the door, interrupting her thoughts.
It was Hsien Ko and her sister.
“Oh, hi, girls. Come on in. Excuse the mess…”
“No time,” said Mei Ling. “Have you seen Donovan?”
Felicia wandered to her couch and sat down as if she hadn’t heard her.
Hsien Ko and Mei Ling looked at each other, then sidled awkwardly into the room, stepping around the empty beer cans, plastic cups, and pizza boxes.
“Felicia, we need to talk to Donovan,” Mei Ling reminded her. “Do you know where he is?”
“Donovan? No. I thought he’d be with you. Or by himself somewhere. You know how he is.” Felicia closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “Do you girls want something to eat?”
“No thanks,” they said at the same time.
The water suddenly started running in the shower, startling her visitors. Felicia thought darkly to herself that it was about goddamn time he stopped wallowing in self-pity and started getting clean.
“That’s Jon,” she explained. “Hold on a second.” She stood up and went to the bathroom door. “Jon?” She knocked a few times. “Jon, make sure you have a towel on when you come out. Hsien Ko and Mei Ling are here.”
“It’s okay, we’re leaving now,” said Mei Ling, tugging at her sister’s arm.
“Thanks anyway, Felicia,” said Hsien Ko. “I hope your party was—”
Talbain threw the bathroom door open and stumbled out, still half-dirty and completely naked.
The girls froze with horror, like they were looking at the Ark of the Covenant.
“JON!” Felicia jumped to her feet. “WHAT THE FUCK!”
“UGGAH BUGGAH BLAH!” Talbain bellowed at them, waving his arms around like an idiot.
The girls screamed and ran.
Felicia’s jaw dropped open.
Talbain stumbled past her and into the kitchen. She watched, stunned, until he grabbed a bottle of tequila off the counter.
“Oh, nuh-uh!” She tried to grab the bottle from him. Talbain shoved her away and guzzled half of it in one chug. “Jesus Christ, Jon! Are you trying to kill yourself?”
“HUMMANA BLARGH!” he replied, then doubled over and puked it all back up.
“GODDAMN IT, JON! GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
She kicked him with uncontrollable rage as he slid through his own vomit over the kitchen tile. He stopped at the sliding door, putting one hand feebly on the glass. Felicia stepped over him, pulled the door open, and pointed outside.
Talbain crawled out onto the patio, over her lawn, and into the darkening woods.
Felicia slowly sank to the floor, her back resting against a cabinet. She covered her face and cried.
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Lord Raptor's Bogus Journey