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Cullen and His Lingering Regrets	By : Royality Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 1933 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age, nor the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
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Letting himself into the Former Knight-Captain’s office, Varric frowned at Cullen’s current state of being. Sitting at his desk with his opened, yet unused lyrium box and a half-empty bottle of dark liquor, the Commander of the Inquisition’s armies sat leaned over the desk with his head resting in his hands. “Uh, Curly?” the Dwarf asked with some hesitation. “Got a minute?” Groaning, Cullen looked up and squinted until his vision became relatively clear.
“Ah, yes. Of course. What can I help you with?” Moving to stand, he wobbled at first, but quickly balanced himself by using both hands on top of the desk as a brace.
“Right…Well, as you might have heard Cassandra screaming earlier, I managed to contact Hawke. Considering how you two are friends and all, I thought you might want to…talk to him? Can’t help but notice the awkward silences and evasive changes in topic whenever I bring your name up though. Since I can’t get a straight answer out of that guy, I figured I’d ask you instead.” Frowning, Cullen’s gaze turned back to the bottle as he collapsed back down into the chair. “That bad, huh?” With a sigh, Varric moved to pull up a stool and climbed up to get comfortable. “Come on then, let’s hear it. Completely off the record, I swear. What the fuck happened between the two of you to get you all bent out of shape like this? I get the feeling that there’s more to it than just the Chantry blowing up.” Feeling defeated, Cullen leaned back to stare up at the hole in his ceiling which led to the second floor by ladder and took in a deep breath.
“I haven’t told anyone about this…Maker help me.”
“What?” Varric laughed with a huff. “That you and Hawke fooled around that one time? That was years ago though! He was never mad about that, Curly!” Looking startled, Cullen sat up straight after nearly falling backwards and stared with wide eyes.
“Wait, you knew about…?” However, the shocked expression soon relaxed. “No, of course you knew. I’m only surprised it didn’t show up in yourTales of the Champion book…which I suppose I should be grateful for.” Shifting around, a dismissive hand was waved. “I barely remember what happened that night anyway. We were completely drunk and…At any rate, it was just a one-time occurrence. So no, I mean afterwards, but before Anders…did what he did.”
“Uh huh?” Nodding in disbelief, Varric leaned over to listen in. “Go on then. What’s got you all twisted? Oh, it is how the Inquisitor and Hawke really look… ” Groaning, Cullen reached for his bottle, but pulled his hand back before touching the glass.
“Ugh, don’t remind me. It’s just…Do you remember how Hawke and I were close even before we… you know…that one night? He was unlike any of the other mages I had ever seen before, which is saying something considering how I was a Templar and even briefly met the Hero of Ferelden. He was disciplined, and more importantly, he actually believed in the Order. Not of what it became, but what it was supposed to be. Every time there was a runaway mage or threats of blood magic, he dealt with it as any believer would and assisted me without much fuss. I…trusted him. I shouldhave trusted him then too.”
“Should have? What do you mean? Did you two have a falling out over something you didn’t take his word on?” As Varric probed, Cullen’s frown deepened as his forehead was placed on the desk with a single nod. “Huh, so what was it then? Something about Meredith being crazy? We all told you that.”
“More than that.” Pushing himself to stand, the Commander moved to his bookshelf while his eyes lingered at the floor with hands clasped behind his back. “Hawke…warned me about Anders and the attack on the Chantry before it happened.”
“What?” Even the Storyteller was taken aback. “But Hawke didn’t know what Anders was planning! None of us did!”
“Not exactly, no. After we…you know…he eventually began a romantic relationship with Anders. It didn’t make any sense to me, especially how much they argued, particularly in regards to the Templars and the other mages. Still, it happened, so when he came to me to warn me about Anders’ behavior and Meredith’s slipping into madness, I…I ignored it. More so, I dismissed his claims entirely and accused him of being brainwashed by his lover’s lies and attempting to manipulate me into using Templar resources to investigate false claims so Anders could do something even more devious were I to focus on Hawke’s information.”
“Ouch. I bet he took that well.”
“I called him a fool and a traitor, in so many words, and we never spoke again until after Anders destroyed the Chantry. It was only when I saw how hurt and utterly…heartbroken he looked when it happened did I realize that he had no idea about what Anders had planned”
“And that he came to you really because he trusted you to help him stop whatever Blondie was plotting.”
“Exactly. And I…I betrayed that trust.”
“So, you’re basically saying that you were jealous he hooked up with Anders and when he tried to tell you that his boyfriend was acting crazy, you called him a liar.” Making a sour face, Cullen turned to shake his head.
“What? No! Well, yes, but I wasn’t jealous! It’s just that Anders was…well you know how he was then. He thought himself to be some great defender of mage rights and constantly wrote those awful manifestos. I was only trying to keep the peace, but I now believe that Meredith’s hatred for the mages and the red lyrium may have affected me as well just by proximity. I should have…I should have just listened to Hawke. He was a good friend regardless of who he was with and for being a mage. My deepest regret is how blind I was to see that…To see everything back then, really.”
“So, apologize?” With a shrug, Varric stood up and pushed his stool back to where he found it. “Listen, you haven’t said anything that was so terrible that a simple apology wouldn’t work. This is Hawke we’re talking about. He’s probably just avoiding you because he thinks you hate him. If you’re over here beating yourself up about something that happened before the sky had this big ass hole in it, I suggest you get it out your system now before it’s too late.”
“It’s not that I’m worried about whether or not if he’ll forgive me, Varric. It’s whether or not I deserve to be forgiven.”
“Look Curly, you’re no longer the Templar you were in Kirkwall, right? You’re here leading the Inquisition’s armies, run by yet another mage no less, and doing a pretty damn good job at it. I’d say you deserve a break. Look, I’m gonna go give him the message and send him up here. Clean up a bit, ya?” With that, the Dwarf left as Cullen put his hands on his hips to stand there alone with his own jumbled thoughts. The first thing he did was look around the messy office and began to pick up fallen papers as suggested. The open bottle on his desk was closed and tucked away, hidden behind several bound books on his shelf. Unsure where to put his old lyrium stash, he tucked the closed box under an arm and climbed the ladder to his bedroom loft to put it under mattress. While still on the second floor, he heard one of his doors open and shut.
“Hawke? I’m up here. Lock both doors will you before coming up?”
“…Sure thing,” the Mage replied and proceeded to turn the clasp on the door he entered from and walked to the other side to repeat the process before climbing up the ladder as well. The first thing Cullen saw was the grown out white hair of his former friend.
“Here, let me help you,” he smiled with an offered hand. “Don’t worry. The floor is a bit squeaky, but stable.” Cautiously, Hawke accepted and pulled himself up with help to the partial second story.
“Not quite the dungeon you used to sleep in, but I see the appeal,” the Champion teased and looked away, taking steps back to purposely distance himself. “Varric said you wanted to see me? Battle plans I presume for the fortress? If you’re worried about me following orders, I…”
“No, no. That’s not it.”
“Oh? Are the mages here giving you trouble then? I could speak to them if you…”
“Hawke, no. Stop for a moment and listen. Please.” Feeling pressured, the Mage locked his green eyes on Cullen’s form and folded his arms over his broad chest plate with his feet parted as he held his ground. His lips pressed together as he waited to be told what this was all about and his gaze made Cullen uneasily shift as he tried to think of the words to say.
“I…wanted to apologize, formally, for how I treated you.” Snickering, Hawke just laughed and dropped his guard.
“Maker, I thought you were about to tell me that you were in debt to the Carta and were about to ask me for a loan! Why are you apologizing? You haven’t done anything to me. We haven’t even spoken since Kirkwall.” As Hawke moved in closer, Cullen reacted by stiffening his own posture.
“Exactly my point! We haven’t spoken since Kirkwall. We haven’t spoken since that…Listen, I know I said some very harsh things to you when you came to me for help about Anders before all of this happened. They were cruel and unfair to you at the time. I would like to blame Meredith’s seeping red lyrium, but I should have known better. I am deeply sorry. Truly. I…should have believed you and not accused you of…those things.” With a smirk, Hawke folded his arms over his chest once again and leaned back against an angled leg since he and Cullen were nearly the exact same height.
“So, what you mean to say is, ‘Sorry Seren, I didn’t mean to call you a crazy, rebellious, and lying mage seduced by the great dark one known as Anders as if you were trying to brew up some misdirecting secret plan to overthrow my Templar reign?’ Are you drunk or something? Seriously?” Moving in to enter Cullen’s personal space once again, he sniffed at the drying pink lips. “What is that? Scotch?” Cullen quickly turned away from the probing nose.
“I…had a few drinks, yes, but I am not inebriated…and I have never used your first name. Not in public, anyway.”
“…I’ve heard that before,” Hawke teased with a smile. “Fine, I accept your apology under one condition.”
“Condition? Just one?” Cullen laughed as he felt more at ease. “Fine. Name your pric…” Before he could finish his own playful mocking, he found himself locking lips under the banner of a rekindled friendship. It was an unexpected, though not entirely unwelcome, action which was so deep and powerful it had him stammering backwards and forced him to push Hawke away only so they both wouldn’t fall to the ground. Upon release, he had to catch his breath while covering his mouth as to not be taken advantage of once again. Hawke continued to smile as he licked across his own upper lip in thought.
“Hm, as I thought. Scotch.”
“Bloody hell, Seren! What did you do that for?!” Cullen didn’t know whether to be angry or simply annoyed no one had asked his permission first. “Why would you kiss me?”
“…You…looked as if you needed it,” Hawke shrugged coyly and turned his back to eye the ladder. “All this work plus you’ve been sitting here worried about my opinion of you…Really Rutherford, I’m no one to fuss over. You came to help when called upon and I…” There was disappointment in his voice which came out very clearly while explaining his own actions, or lack thereof. “…I should get back.” Kneeling down, he reached for the means to head back to the first floor, but his hand was caught and pulled away instead. Moving to squat next to him, Cullen smiled as he carefully pulled Hawke’s hand to his own face covered in rough, dark-blond stubble.
“Please, don’t leave yet.” Eyes softened as Hawke scratched at the fur there.
“You’re drunk, Cullen.”
“I’m not drunk, I told you,” he laughed while leaning into the petting.
“That’s’ what you said last time.”
“I wasn’t really drunk then either.”
“But you don’t even remember…”
“Yes, I do. All of it. I only thought it would be easier since you were still pretty hurt about Fenris and a scandal would break out if the news that the Knight-Captain of the Templars was seen carrying on with Kirkwall’s mage Champion was made public.”
“And what about now?”
“Well, I’m not a Templar anymore.” Hawke had to laugh at that and pushed Cullen playfully away to make enough room to stand up again.
“You do know that I’m still with Anders, yes? We may have a bit of an…odd open-relationship, but that doesn’t mean that…”
“That…That what? That I don't regret leaving that night and pretending as I had forgotten everything? That I accused you of being manipulated by Anders because I was too foolish to see how you were desperately looking for help?” Following, he cornered Hawke near the bed and took both of the other man’s hands into his own. “There’s so much I wish I could say more clearly, but…”
“Scotch,” Hawke interrupted. “You drank scotch that night too. You came over with a bottle trying to cheer me up enough to leave the house. We talked about…”
“…How our razor stubble apparently drove our partners away and how hard it was to find a date that truly appreciated how we were simply too busy saving everyone else’s arses to shave properly. You still haven’t been shaving either, I see,” Cullen smiled as he reached up to scratch at the short white hairs that stood in deep contrast to Hawke’s still youthful dark caramel completion.
“Sort of a difficult task to accomplish while being on the run and…” But it was his turn to be interrupted by the Captain’s kiss this time. It was a vigorous thing, nearly violent with gentle biting and heavy breathing, which showed no signs of stopping. The taste of the dark liquor filled Hawke’s mouth while the feelings behind the gesture made him weak in the knees. His arms went around the large fur-lined neck adornment to grab at the red tuffs there and push them off of the broad shoulders they were resting on. Once the cloak hit the floor, Cullen pulled away only just to take off his gloves and toss them out of the way as well. With bare hands, his fingers snaked into Hawke’s overgrown snowy hair to grip the shabby strands and pulled to angle Hawke’s face upward.
“Even as a Templar, I never felt more powerful than you,” he confessed while Hawke’s body was pinned against his wall with his hair being pulled.
“…Did I frighten you?”
“Yes…In more ways than one.” A grin began as Hawke stalked Cullen’s mouth.
“Good,” he whispered before continuing the intimate moment.
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Cullen and His Lingering Regrets