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Can't Let You Go	By : Ellynndaria Category: +A through F > Dragon Age (all) > Dragon Age (all) Views: 7632 -:- Recommendations : 1 -:- Currently Reading : 1
Disclaimer: We do not own Dragon Age, nor the characters from it. We do not make any money from the writing of this story.

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            Several days had passed since Douglas’ break down on the floor. There had been fear of needed hospitalization due to chest pains and risk of heart failure caused by withdrawal and his previous injuries, but Douglas adamantly refused it. Bethany would ultimate give in to the refusal, no matter how reluctant and saddened she seemed to do so while Anders frustration grew. The doctors spent many hours pouring over information to make sure what they were doing was correct, calling colleagues and mentors. Once everything seemed to have been straightened out, Bethany unfortunately needed to return to school and had left the day prior. The goodbyes were teary, and Anders admitted the task he was undertaking alone appeared daunting. She insured he had her cell and pager number, giving him permission to call even if it was to blow off steam. She had joked with a smile about whom better to know the stresses of dealing with the Hawke twins than their own sister.
           After the new medications Anders had gotten for him, Douglas slept straight through the night for the first time since before Halloween and when he woke up he smiled contentedly at the back still firmly next to his through the blanket. When he spoke though his tone was disapproving, "You're still here."
            "I told you, I'm not going anywhere." The response was automatic now since it had been repeated many times before.
            "Don't you have to work?"
            "Nope."
           Douglas was at a loss for words. He had to practically twist the doctor’s arm to get him to take time to care for himself, and now he had spent days lying in this bed. After he was quiet for a minute, he heard a pen scratching across paper and smiled; Anders was writing in his notebook again. Douglas had asked him once what he was doing when they had first started having sleepovers and was told it was how Anders sorted out his thoughts and feelings. Douglas took the hint, private, and left him to his important work.
            Douglas drifted back to sleep, and when he woke up the room was quiet. He whispered in case Anders had fallen asleep too, "All done?"
            "No, just taking a break. My hand was starting to cramp."
            Douglas was silent for a few moments, but he started to shake. "Got anything about kids in that notebook of yours?"
            Anders didn't respond right away. "Not really. Not something I’ve really had to consider." They both knew his desires for a family, but that wasn’t what the notebook was about. It was for helping him not turn to alcohol. Douglas shook but remained silent, and when it was clear he wasn't going to say anything else, Anders continued, "The baby might not be yours."
            The shaking against Anders back subsided as Douglas seemed to ponder this possibility for the first time before finally asking, "But what if it is?"
            "Then you'll have a decision to make, I guess." After a few moments, he added, "You don't have to decide now."
            "That's a long time to worry about something like that..."
            "So, what are you thinking, then?"
            Douglas sighed, "I'm thinking she has a plan."
            "I would be inclined to agree with the way she was acting."
            "She'll try to blackmail me for the next nineteen years..."
            Another minute before Anders said quietly, "Well, what about you getting custody?"
            Douglas started shaking again, fairly certain if Anders couldn't actually hear the pounding in his chest, he could definitely feel it against his back. He squeaked, "Me?"
            "Do you think she would be a better parent than you?" Anders kept his voice low and soothing.
            Douglas growled, "No," before stammering a few seconds later, "Wha- what about adoption?"
            Anders remained silent, allowing Douglas time to realize who he was talking to before saying, "Could you live with that?"
            "Maybe." Anders stiffened at the answer, and Douglas hurriedly added, "I'm not sure this is the best house for a child. Surely we could find it a loving home."
            "More than the baby's own family?"
            Douglas barely audibly replied, "I'm not sure we could."
            Anders softened again, "There's a lot of not sures right now, and we have time to think about this. You don't have to decide if we are going to be parents yet."
            "We?"
            Anders swallowed. "I'm sorry, I'm assuming again. I thought I would be here if you decided to be a dad."
            "And if I don't?"
            "I would try to understand, but I told you, I'm not going anywhere."
            "If I am trying to get you to leave, what makes you think I would want to expose a child to this?"
            "At the moment, you need someone to take care of you and get you back to normal. Can we just focus on that right now?"
            "I think normal may be out of the question ever again if I am going to have a kid I may never be able to look at and a boyfriend intent on getting himself killed."
            "Well, as long as I'm your boyfriend, it wouldn't be so bad," Anders said, smiling to himself at Douglas' choice of words.
            "Stubborn ass. Who will take care of me after you're dead?"
            "I'll leave a detailed list of instructions with Fellon, and Bethany may be back by then, so the effort may be pointless, but for you I would waste the energy."
            Douglas growled at Anders' flippant attitude, "When are you going to take the hint that I don't want you here? I have enough problems without you adding to them."
            Anders winced but tried to keep his tone indifferent, "I'm sorry. I didn't realize loving someone caused him problems."
            "For normal people, probably not. For me it does. So, go back to Nathaniel. I assume he's normal."
            Anders couldn't keep the anger out of his voice this time, "If I wanted to be with Nate, I would be."
            Douglas sniped back in jealousy, "Well, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one he has made it perfectly clear to he wants you back."
            Anders sighed, "I broke up with him for a reason. I'm not going back."
            Still jealous, Douglas said, "Well, I'm sure whatever it was could be worked out since he still loves you."
            "I don't love him anymore, I love you. He's just a friend. If you two can't handle that, then I guess I'll have to eliminate the issue."
            "Good, let me help you with that. Get out."
            "I am not leavin' until your body is back to normal at least. So if you want me gone, get your ass out of bed and back in the pool."
            In a low grumble, Douglas replied, "Hard to do with all the pills you are making me take. I'll probably pass out and drown..." Then he started snickering, "Wait, did you just basically say you weren't leaving until I was hot again?"
            Anders stifled his own chuckle, "No, I said normal... conceited much?"
            Speaking in a low and husky tone, Douglas asked, "Are you saying my normal isn't hot?" running a finger lightly up Anders' thigh.
            Anders shivered slightly. "I didn't say that either, but maybe I meant an in general normal, from a doctor's point of view."
            Douglas still spoke seductively, "Is that what you meant, doctor?"
            Anders finally chuckled, "...Maybe..." the finger against his thigh turned into a threat of a tickle, "Okay, okay, mostly it is what I meant, but not totally."
            Douglas joked in a sad voice, "So, I'm not hot now?"
            A swallow followed the question, and Anders answered seriously, "From a doctor's point of view, you don't look healthy. From a boyfriend's point of view, you have me scared to death."
            Douglas placed his hand gently on Anders' thigh and was silent for a while. "You don't think two dads would be hard to explain? Or were you going to be Uncle Anders or something?"
            Anders smiled faintly at Douglas considering the option. "Should it be? But again, I'll leave that up to you. We have talked about the possibility before."
            "What do you want, Anders?"
            "I want to be with you, whatever description of me you decide that entails."
            "Are you sure?"
            "I've always been sure. I just got confused on how to deal with that fact for a little while."
            Douglas sighed, "I don't think you understand what you are suggesting."
            "What am I suggesting?"
            "You can't say you want to be a parent and one day change your mind. You'll be stuck, just like me."
            "Maybe being stuck with you won't be so bad."
            "I'm serious, Anders. There is a whole lot commitment talk floating around right now."
            "Well, again, we don't have to make any decisions right now. July is quite a ways away."
            "Anders, what if I want you but not kids? Would that be alright?" Douglas had always wanted kids, but not like this. Now he feared the possibility of this event haunting him with whatever decision he made, with this child or any other.
            There was a long pause before a soft reply of, "Yes,” was given.
            Douglas took a jagged breath, he knew what caused the pause. “Anders, you really should leave. I don’t think I can give you what you want anymore.” A tear slipped down his cheek, and it was given away by a shaking in his voice.
            Anders was trying to hang on to this roller coaster. He had expected it. Hell, he, himself, had put others through it. Right now, there was a lot more to deal with than just a drinking problem though. Anders desperately wanted the family he never had when he was younger. He vaguely wondered if the address provided by the bitch was real. He highly doubted it; she seemed too conniving to be that stupid. He still had the wish he had listened to Douglas sooner, so he could have strangled her.
            The thought surprised him a bit. He had never been one prone to any violence, but the man he loved was broken because of her and, most likely, the real father of her baby. Douglas was shaking and heartbroken, mentally and physically broken, and Anders wasn’t sure he had the skills to fix any of it. It left him feeling completely helpless and useless. Of all the people he had a wish to save, Douglas was number one, and he doubted he could do it.
           Anders finally answered, “I’m not going anywhere.” Whatever time they had left in this world and possibly the next, they had it, and Anders wasn’t going to let anything waste it again.
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Can't Let You Go