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Shadow of Destiny: The script of sarcasm	By : Shenai Category: -Misc Video Games/RPGs > Walkthroughs/Hints/Spoilers Views: 1697 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own the game that this fanfiction is written for, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 5
- 6
- 7
Disclaimer: I dun own it. You dun own it. Unless you are the game designers, who are looking for a reason to sue my blonde sarcastic ass off. You guys own it and I acknowledge that, albeit it bitterly. So don�t sue me please.

Chapter 5.

(Last time in SOD Eike avoided death for the thousandth time and Homy tried to woe our lovely blonde protagonist by spouting out some inane nonsense about coffee and tea whilst striking cute schoolgirl poses. However, the game designers decided that it�s been a while since we have seen a truly annoying character and thus this chapter invites Margarete back into our lives. Boy you can just tell how excited I am. Or not.)

(The scene opens up with Eike-y poo examining his watch. In case it wasn�t blatantly obvious at this point, time is the theme of this game. Not yaoi unfortunately.)

Eike: Past 8:30 thirty already. I could use a little food. *Pats his stomach* I guess being hungry is a sign that I�m still alive. Hey, I could go to that place � the one with the fire earlier in the day.

(Just a note: Ironically enough, I am eating spaghetti bolegnaise whilst playing this, so I�m not hungry! Oh and also, in the background as Eike is speaking, there is this horrific panting noise going on. It turns out to be a jogger walking into camera shot but it sounds really, really disturbing... Did I mention it�s disturbing?)

(Any hoo, the player gets control of Eike and we walk him to the bar for some tucker. It�s nice to know that in the midst of trying to prevent his own death, Eike still finds time to treat himself to a romantic candle lit dinner.)

(Next scene: Eike eats eccentrically at the aficionado�s eggs-travaganza of egg-xtra egg-xtraordinary egg memorabilia bar.)

(Eike pushes open the door to the bar and steps inside. The owner, an elderly man wearing a vizer, is wiping off one of the tables. He notices Eike enter and immediately leaps to be of service to the pretty bishounen.)

Egg dude: (That�s the owner.) Good evening. Please, have a seat over there. *Points to the table he was just cleaning.*

Eike: What�s good to eat around here?

ED: Everything! Meat�s good, vegetables are good. If you don�t have anything particular in mind, why don�t you try the special? (I have a nasty suspicion that the �Special� means; �Whatever wandered into the trap tonight. Still, Eike doesn�t see the warning signs flashing and responds in the affirmative.)

Eike: All right, I�ll have that.

ED: Coming right up! You�re gonna love this. (Don�t count on it Spud. Hey... I think I�ve just come up with Egg Dude�s new dud!)

(Whilst Spud goes downstairs to check the trap, Eike sits down at the table and like a total nimrod, pulls out the little black book that Mr. Eckart lent him in Chapter 3 and starts to read it. In the middle of a restaurant for the love of the ever merciful God. Need I mention that the entire young female population of the town is sitting at the table beside him? (AKA: The bakery girl, the artifact shop girl, the City Hall Zombie girl and Curtain Goth. The others need names too so I�m gonna call bakery girl Lucy-Lu, since she is Chinese, City Hall girl: Zombie. I think its obvious why, And the artifact shop girl Percy, because she wears bright red glasses that are just as distinguishable as his are. Now that I am done naming all those random NPC�s I have to move onto recapping the second most boring, useless, inane, pointless, nasty, ridiculous dialogue in the entire game. That of Eike reading from the damn book as he waits for Spud to cook his dinner. Spud does all the work in his restaurant himself so I can�t help but have some respect for the guy. Don�t get me wrong. He�s no Homy.)

(Next scene: The reason why Eike should not be allowed to have monologue scene.)

Eike: (This is all done in a voice over as he reads to himself.) "The science of alchemy has as its Grail two great projects. One is the synthesis of the "Elixir of life", that which would free Mankind from all ills of the body. The other is an amalgam purely Scientific in nature � the creation of a �Homunculus� � an Artificial Life. Both require as their central ingredient a red stone known as the philosopher�s stone..." (Last seen in the hands of Harry Potter, a wizard wannabe punk.)

(Eike has a little flash back to Dana oogling over the red stone whilst he oogled her. His itty bitty baby brain finally makes the connection that we all made ten minutes ago. Eike looks dramatically at the camera as he says the next line out loud.)

Eike: The philosopher�s stone? Wow! Could that be.... (Goes back to reading in his head.) " � Here we shall briefly examine the life of Wolfgang Wagner, (Hereby dubbed Wolfy, AKA: Wolverine.) whose alchemical prowess was known throughout the region. Though born a farmer�s son, he became the ward of wealthy kin after his prodigious intellect was recognized, and pursued studies in Medicine and Theology at university. Following this period, he seems to have made his living as an apothecary while pursuing the science of Alchemy. (Shows Spud downstairs making Eike�s �Special.�) However, what secured his lasting fame was no doubt the manner in which he met his end. (Spud carrying Eike�s dish up the stairs.) Amid rumors of his engagement in an experiment of great magnitude and duration, Dr. Wagner�s house was shaken by a thunderous explosion, (A girl goes down the stairs toward Spud.) and the alchemist himself was never seen again. (And there was much rejoicing.) It is often said that a no more fitting end could have been imagined for a magus such as he. (Spud brings the dish around close the banister to allow the girl to squeeze past. A hand sneaks through the railings and sprinkles some white powder of what is presumably poison, in Eike�s food. The moment over, Spud continues towards Eike�s table as the man himself finally stops talking in his head and actually verbally speaks.) ..hmmm. That sounds kind of suspicious.

Spud: Here you are. Enjoy!

(Spud walks up and puts Eike�s plate on the other side of the table to Eike so that he can�t reach it. This is too mean even for me. Still, I want to know exactly what hearing Wolfy�s life story, had to do with the outcome of the game at all. Will anyone out there answer this question? Anyone?)

(Next scene.)

(Eike exits the bar, full to bursting of God knows what and starts to walk off into the night, when someone stops him. Yes ladies and gentleman. It�s the ever wonderful Homy! With twice as many campy gestures then before! He is leaning against the wall of the building with his arms crossed because, if you hadn�t guessed, this is his traditional pose.)

Homy: Hello Eike, how are things going? Have you found anything out? *Straightens up* That�s an interesting book you have there. (I really hope he�s not referring to that porno Eike stuffed in his jacket pocket.)

Eike: (Removes the Black book and looks at it. Okay, so it wasn�t a porno. I can dream.) Hm? Want to look at it? (Pokes it towards Homy who makes a really campy step backwards and shields his face. Also campily.)

Homy: Ugh! Please don�t shove that near me. (I don�t even wanna know.) I... I don�t like that symbol on the cover.

Eike: What, this? You don�t like this pentagram kind of thing? You�re a little strange.

(Eike gets this chapter�s: "No-fucking-shit-award." Even Homy thinks he�s a knob for stating the blatantly obvious.)

Homy: Well, of course I am. In any case, I know the contents of that book. *Puts his hands on his hips* Dr. Wagner, who is mentioned in the book had a daughter, and she is a very significant figure to you.

Eike: *Still being blonde* What? Like she�s one of my ancestors?

Homy: Mmmhmm. (Just a note, this is not a noise of confirmation. Homy makes that noise when his is either A.) Amused or B.) He is trying to skirt around answering a question. Right now I would say he is both of these things.) But you see, the Digipad is drawn to that age because of the link whatever it is. Please don�t forget the red stone. I�m looking for it too, but I believe that you are the one who is fated to acquire it. Getting your hands on it will be a step towards avoiding your own death as well. Remember that, Eike....

Eike: (Looks down at the book and when he looks up Homy has gone bye-bye.) Hey! I need more � (*Sniggers*) Gone again. This is a really one-sided kind of relationship. Me, and the age this book talks about � what�s the connection? (There is a weird sound effect and Eike suddenly keels at the waist and bends over. Once again I don�t know why he bothers assuming this position after Homy is gone, but then again when has Eike ever made sense?) What the - ? Oh, am I... tired or something - ?

(A little black screen pops up and we witness a lovely three second montage of Eike staggering about as the poison kills him and then falling over dead, but still managing to spasm around on the ground like a sprayed spider. Jesus jumping on a pogo stick, this guy dies more then Kenny on Southpark and that is definitely saying something.)

(Next scene: Homy�s Swinging Limbo Pad of Love, yeah baby yeah!)

Homy: (After a long, long silence where he openly contemplates whether he really should be wasting his time chasing after someone as stupid and predictable as Eike. Even if he is cute and beautiful.) Do you know what you died of?

Eike: ...What?

Homy: It was poison. Probably from the sea hare. It uses the female of a type of sea slug as the basic raw material... you can control the rapidity of the effect and the intensity of symptoms by how you blend it. I�d say that was the culprit, but you�ll need to look into the details yourself. Why don�t you try the library? ...Oops, I guess it�s the art museum now.... *Waves at Eike and disappears in his Shifty Sequence of over the top red globules.* See you around. (Homy really does look like Catherine Zeta-Jones. He�s got her lips and face!)

Eike: (As the knowledge of what Homy just said tries to penetrate his thick head.) "I guess it�s the art museum now"? What does that mean? (OH DUH EIKE HOW MUCH MORE FUCKING OBVIOUS DOES HE NEED TO MAKE IT?!! HE IS SUCH A RETARD!!!)

(Swirly Wormhole of Shiny Special effects and then Eike is dropped down nicely back infront of the bar. Of course it hasn�t gone back before he got poisoned oh no. Now we must think of a way to cure Eike, instead of preventing the incident from ever happening. Thanks, game designers.)

(Well I have to pause in my recapping right now because I have to let my nephew Gavin play the PS2 and I�m not going to write the script from memory. )

(Okay I�m back! Anyway, the Digipad is flashing in Eike�s pocket, saying that Eike has to go back to the 1900�s where he met Brum. So this is what we do.)

(Next Scene: 1900�s.)

(Swirly Wormhole of Shiny Special effects and then Eike is back in the 1900�s down the road from the museum. When he goes up to it he finds Brum and his ~~gay lover~~/friend standing outside looking up at the mansion thoughtfully. Eike talks to Brum because I said so.)

Brum: I�m still not sure, you see.

Eike: You don�t want to turn it into a museum?

Brum: Well, I thought about that, but I�ve got a lot of books too. A library wouldn�t be a bad idea either, don�t you agree?

(I know. What are the chances that Homy�s mysterious statement before about a library would somehow be relevant at this point? Who would have seen that coming?)

(Anyway, Brum�s fate rests solely in Eike�s blonde little hands. I feel so powerful. A choice screen pops up giving the player an option of what to reply. They are: "I think a museum is still the best choice," Or "I guess a library is better." Since what we want is a library, it is the latter choice that we pick.)

Brum: Okay, you�ve helped me make up my mind. A library it is!

(Isn�t it amazing how one small word from Eike can ordain people�s destinies?)

(Anyway the Digipad starts to peep again, calling Eike back to the present. Eike goes there and I run him to the �library� as it is now and trust me, it makes a better library then a museum. Eike-y Poo goes in one of the doors and spots a book spouting green gas on one of the shelves. He picks it up and opens it to the exact page he needed to look at. Isn�t he clever? That wasn�t set up at all. The book says the following:

"Sea hare Poison"

The female sea hare is very poisonous. The only way to survive poisoning is by taking the antidote. The person poisoned can only survive the number of days that the sea hare from where the poison was extracted had survived. After that time period has elapsed, the person poisoned will die instantaneously. (Well that sucks.) Among the various antidotes, the best one is derived from the male sea hare. If this is used when one starts feeling the effects of the poison, he will soon start feeling the curing effects. However, this poison no longer exists in our time. It is unfortunate that we can no longer feel the effects of this antidote...

(Eike closes the book and puts it back on the shelf. That second last line is "Great Honking Clue number 1 that the killer, whoever it is, is not from Eike�s time since the poison no longer exists in the twenty first century. But whatever. The Digipad goes off again and this time Eike has to go back to Margarete�s time, (Dammit...) to get the antidote. I�d rather die of poison than converse with her. But alas, I have no other alternative and have to do as I�m told. Drat. The thingy on the Digipad says that 4 years have passed since he was last there. Hmm...)

(Swirly wormhole then Eike is back in the center of the town. He looks as out of place as Brittany Spears at an R&B concert.)

Eike: Come to think of it, she said her father did research. He may be this Dr. Wagner. They may have some sort of a link to me....

(There is a black out and then the scene reopens on the smoky, charred shell of what was once Margarete�s house. This gives me some hope that Margarete is dead and gone forever but I know that by some cruel twist of game developers fate, she will come back to haunt me. Eike goes toward the house but the Middle Aged woman and Little girl from Chapter 2 are there fortunately to stop him.)

MAW: No, no it�s too dangerous. Don�t get too near that house. There was an explosion just now. What with him dabbling in all that science, it�s no wonder. (She and the little girl nod at one another. WTF?) God�s sent his judgment down. (Cackles in a horrific soul sucking way that makes me and Eike and all other small children in the world to shit our pants.)

Eike: (Clearly troubled by this demonic woman, whose name shall be Blackheart, from hence forth.) Ah.... is, is this � Dr. Wagner�s house?

Blackheart: Oh, so you knew him, did you. Well, anyway, you�d best not stick your nose in, or you�ll be cursed too, see if you don�t.

(She and the little girl leave and Baby Jesus stops crying. So do I.)

Eike: So � this was Dr. Wagner�s place....

(The problem right now is that Eike cannot get into the house because an angry dog has conveniently decided to fall asleep right in front of the door and it goes rabid every time Eike approaches. The idea is to tempt the dog into moving by getting some steak from the butchers down the road. I on the other hand think it would be funnier to use the cat that you have the option of getting off of Mr. Eckart but that�s just me.)

(Next scene: Butchers.)

Butcher Gal: What? Looking for meat?. (Statement needs no help from me.) Hey, you�re kind of cute! I�ll tell you what... You can have the scrap meat over there for free.

(So Eike gets some free meat because he�s cute. Words cannot express how sad this is. But... the girl wasn�t lying... I wonder what Homy would have gotten for free had he walked in? ... Actually, I won�t wonder...)

(Next scene: Back at the house.)

(Eike tosses the meat down beside the dog. The dog accepts the gift and wanders off chewing up the meat produce. Eike smiles cutely and can now go inside. That whole exercise wasn�t pointless or anything.)

(Inside the house...)

(Debris is still smoking and shit is all over the place. Looks like Eike missed one hell of a party. He enters and starts coughing into the ball of his fist, secretly wondering why he was not invited.)

Voice: ...aaah....

(Eike looks towards the stairs and sees Homy sitting on them looking... well quite frankly, pretty smashed. Eike really did miss a good party. Homy scrambles unsteadily to his feet, trying to remember where he lives and what his name is. I�ve never been that far gone.)

Eike: You? Why are you here...?

(Long, long pause as Homy just stares at Eike wondering to himself whether or not he slept with that guy last night. He staggers a bit more and decides he needs to globulate himself back to his Swinging Limbo pad of love (Yeah baby, yeah!) and drink a few cups of strong black coffee. Of course he can�t go without finding out his one night stands name.)

Homy: ..Who are � you? (He disappears before Eike can reply which makes about as much sense as the fact that Eike bends over after Homy leaves. Not that he does this time fortunately. Oh and BTW I cannot make it clear just how cute Homy sounded as he said that line. He sounded totally hung over! Which I would bet, he was.)

(Eike just stares for a bit wondering WTF? To progress on, you have to search around the room for a key to Wolfy�s "Secret Lab." (Pull the lever Kronk!) Eike finds it, hidden cleverly amongst all the debris beside the door... wow was that ever ingenious! Digipad beeps calling Eike back to the same place, only two years before hand. Which means he still has time to catch the party! Whoohoo!)

(Next scene.)

(Eike goes through the blah, blah, blah, blah wormhole and pops up in the same town only it is two years before. Not that it�s important or anything, but it is a really misty day. Eike reappears near the well that is beside the Wagner�s house. Why does he pop up here you ask and not in the middle of the City Square like he normally does? The answer to that is that an optional scene with Hugo takes place in the Square. Of course I�m going to recap it because Hugo�s my man and the scene�s pretty damn funny at that.)

(The Hugo gets picked on by compulsory bullies and inevitably ends up loosing it, Scene.)

(Eike enters the Square and sees Hugo facing off against two guys who look like the two teenagers from Eike�s present. This game company is so lazy that it just reuses its NPC models for the 1500�s and 2001. That�s just... sad. They could have at least reused the Homy model. One of the bullies is really fat and the other one is wearing a really gay looking French hat with feathers on the top. So, guess what his name is now?)

Fat Bastard: Hey, everyone says your Pa is doing weird experiments.

Knob: I h-heard that Hugo�s father was conjuring up the Devil.

(Eike looks up at this, even though he is an angel not a devil. He still likes to think that he�s hot as Hell.)

Hugo: That isn�t true. He isn�t doing anything like that.

Fat Bastard: And your sister dresses like a harlot!

Knob: Isn�t that because the Devil provides for her?

(All right now that was going too far! How dare they suggest that the Devil provides for Margarete! HOW DARE THEY!! Homy is not, I repeat, not providing for Margarete in any way whatsoever; especially not that way. HOW DARE they instill those evil images of Margarete and Homy in my head!! There is only one solution for this now; Hugo must kill them. There is no other way.)

Hugo: (Glares at them for a moment looking, strangely enough... kinda hot... Okay, shoot me now.) You know that�s not true!

Fat Bastard: Oh I get it! That�s why your Ma�s dead!

Knob: I see now! Like a lamb for offering! A sacrifice! (Both boys clutch their necks as they say this and I hope that they are trying to strangle themselves but sadly enough this isn�t true. They�re just being asses.)

Hugo: (Going into full blown Black Hugo mode.) You...!! Take that back!! Don�t you dare say stuff like that about my mother! (He starts swinging his fists at them in a rather demented fashion, each blow looking as though Hugo is swing dancing instead of trying to punch their heads in.) Take it back! I said take it back!!

Fat Bastard: Hey! Hugo�s mad again.

Knob: (Cuddling up close to FB�s arm like a little bitch.) Violence won�t solve anything!

(Even though they outnumber him two to one, the bullies take off running in a way that resembles how a person would normally run if they either A.) Had a wedgie B.) Their G-String�s were chaffing or C.) Had just shit their pants. I�m guessing it�s that last one since Hugo is pretty scary when he�s mad. Well, scarier then Eike is when he�s mad.)

Black Hugo: Take it back!! (Follows in hot G-String chaffing pursuit.)

(From this point onwards a bunch of quizzes appear in the story, that were originally put there as quite simply a little joke between my friend and I. I figured I�d leave them there for comedic value but would like to point out that no reviewer is going to win anything my answering them. Just so you know.)

Quiz: Why did the boys run that way?

The script told them too.

They shit their pants after Hugo went Black.

Their hessian G-Strings were chaffing.

They had wedgies.

It was a cold day and their limbs were frozen.

They were running in dramatic slow motion.

(Well with that exciting scene out of the way, we can now continue on to Dr. Wagner�s house to meet the man himself! You�re so excited you can hardly stand it. Thankfully the only dog around this time is Margarete. I think I would have preferred the angry one.)

(Next scene: Calling Dr. Beat.)

(Eike opens the "Secret Lab" door and enters the lair. There are ominous bubbling noises coming from down below that would disturb any normal person but not our brave/stupid Eike oh no! He goes down the stairs into the lab and we seen a pan around the place where a man is leaning over a heating thingy-whatisit. If those annoying gurgling noises weren�t going on you would undoubtedly hear him saying; "Hubble, bubble, toil and trouble..." He doesn�t look up as Eike enters, indicating that this man has a serious hard on for his work. I just gave myself nightmares.)

Evil Scientist Person: Is that you, Hugo?

Eike: No, I�m....

(The dude jumps and whips around to face the approaching Leprechaun horror. He seems aghast that someone managed to infiltrate his "Secret Lab" so successfully. He pulls on a lever and Eike is thrown into a pit of crocodiles that eat him all up... Okay just kidding. He just gets bitchy with him. We can see where Hugo got his temper from. It must have been all those chemical fumes his father inhaled before he got his wife pregnant. What amazes me is that he actually knows Hugo�s name, which means that he has acknowledged his existence! Hope is restored!)

ESP: Whoever you are, I want you out. (Of what? His clothes?) How did you get in here!? (Uh, you left the door unlocked you stupid old man.)

Eike: Look ... excuse me, but are you Dr. Wagner?

Wolfy: (Stares at Eike for a bit. Someone else has fallen for his spell.) ... Yes, that is correct. (Ten points for Gryffindor!)

Eike: (Looks at an object that resembles a giant Jam jar and contains some sparkling goldish fluid. It looks like Dry Ginger ale.) Wow, say, is that for your research into the Homunculus?

Wolfy: Someone has been telling you things you ought not to know. Was it Hugo? But of course, I don�t think I�ve told him yet....

Eike: N-no, it wasn�t. Call it � well, call it a hunch.

Wolfy: A hunch � well, if you say so. (He doesn�t sound half convinced.) Excuse me, but I must ask you to leave now. And if you can, forget about what you saw in this room. Please. (Yeah, I�m sure Eike can take time out to pay a little visit to Hatori in the midst of trying to prevent his own murder.)

Eike: Are you by any chance looking for the philosophers stone?

(Dr. Wagner let�s go of the spoon he was curdling with and spins around to face Eike.)

Wolfy: What did you say!? You mean that you have it!

Eike: Well...no, I don�t know if it�s the one, but I have seen a stone... a red stone.

Wolfy: Ah! Should you gain possession of it, allow me a small amount, I beg of you. Please....

Eike: Grovel.

Wolfy: (Gets down on his hands and knees and bows to Eike.) Oh almighty one, please oh please allow me to share the stone with you!

(How I wish those last two lines were true. In reality, Wolfy just goes back to making his soup, uh... �scientific substance� and Eike just goes upstairs. Knowing what�s going to happen next I must confess I would have much rather have stayed downstairs with Wolfy and talked to his back. But plot progression is plot progression and I can�t progress past this scene so... I�m trapped.

��The world is rotten.�� IL Palazzo.

(Next Scene.)

(Eike opens the door and steps out of the lab. Margarete is there with some garments in hand and she looks up as Eike enters. Now there is no escape. Curse the world.)

Margarete: Oh? Who are you?

Eike: (Instead of saying he�s a Jhova�s Witness, which would have gotten him free of the house quick smart, he just decides to be nice. Don�t make me put you on my shit list Eike.) Hi, sorry if I startled you.

Margarete: (You know what, screw it I�m changing her name. It�s too damn long to keep on writing and spelling correctly. From now on she shall be the amazing Mary Sue. Because that�s all she is, a Mary Sue.) Aren�t you the one from.... (That topless bar?) I think you were looking for someone, weren�t you, quite a while ago. It�s been some time... did you find whoever it was?

Eike: No, not yet. (Not that he�s been looking very hard has he?)

Mary Sue: You�re still looking? I�m impressed. Hasn�t it been at least 2 years? (Well that�s better then 10 years.) I tried finding her too, afterwards, but I didn�t have any luck. I�m sorry. (Oh yeah, I bet she found her alright. She found her, killed her, then hid her body where no one would ever find it... MWAA HAAA HHHAAA HA HAAA!!) But a lot happened to us right after you came. (Ew.) Mother passed away, you know.... (Puts down the stuff she was carrying.) Oh yes, Hugo�s still at school. He started this year, and he�s gotten serious about learning. I think he�s decided to follow in our father�s footsteps. But I shouldn�t just make you listen to me talking. I�m sorry.

(Eike just stares at her thinking: "This girl is the biggest bimbo I have ever met in my entire life. And that�s including Homy.")

Mary Sue: (Searching quickly for a change of topic.) So...What brings you here today?

Eike: Is there something around her called a sea hare antidote?

Mary Sue: What? What�s the matter? Why do you need something like that?

Eike: Uh, well.... (Because he was poisoned and he�ll die if he doesn�t drink the antidote you ditz?!)

Mary Sue: It�s here on the shelf. Help yourself. (Takes bottle off of the shelf and hand�s it to him.) I won�t tell father.

Eike: (Examines the bottle.) Thank you.

Mary Sue: You�re welcome.

(Long pause as Eike stares at Mary Sue not having any thoughts of the dirty persuasion I feel inclined to add. In fact he�s doing the opposite of undressing her with his eyes; he�s wondering whether or not he�s descended from her.)

Eike: (Italics mean�s he�s thinking to himself.) Is she � my ancestress?

Mary Sue: (Obviously taking his rude staring the wrong way.) W-What? (Puts her fingers to her cheek.) Do I have something on my face?

Eike: (Realizes he was staring and is shocked and mortified that Mary Sue may have taken it as a romantic intention.) Uh, sorry, I was just... I mean, I didn�t mean � guess I�ll be going now.

Mary Sue: Huh!? You�re going already? (Yes honey. Eike-y poo needs to pull his foot out of his mouth, not to mention his ass. He heads to the door, crawling out of the humungadunga hole he has just dug himself in to.) Why don�t you just stay a while? (Homy starts to get jealous.) You can tell me about the future and things, please?

Eike: (Pauses with his hand on the door handle then turns around.) So everyone thinks I am from the future, after all?

Mary Sue: Well... Hugo�s the only one who says so, and nobody else believes him. Except me, that is. It�s more interesting that way, don�t you think? So tell me � what is it like in your time?

Eike: Hmmm.... Okay, then....

Mary Sue: Good. Oh, I have some things to deliver, so I�ll walk with you. (She picks the stuff back up and does this weird little bounce on the spot. The scene fades out but it doesn�t stop there. Oh Lord help me it doesn�t stop...)

(Next Scene.)

(Eike and Mary Sue are walking down the road chatting away as a light snow is falling. I really hope this wasn�t intended to make the scene romantic or anything because if it was, the game designers are going on my shit list too.)

Eike: There�s someone, a friend of mine, called Mr. Eckart. In my time, he�s the director of an art museum.... (Which is now a library thanks to Eike�s meddling.)

Mary Sue: Yes, and?

Eike: Well, I met Mr. Eckart�s great-grandfather, about 100 years in the past. And you won�t believe how alike they looked! (As he says this he and Mary Sue pass these two buildings and the camera moves to show Hugo standing between them, catching onto the conversation as the pair pass.) The face, and hair! They�re both pretty young, but the hair....

Mary Sue: (Giggles) You mean a little thin? Maybe like the squire�s!

Eike: And I mean in the same way. You know � on the top. (Gestures to the crown of his lovely blonde head.)

Mary Sue: (Laughs) I guess that sort of thing is in the blood. (Chuckles.)

Eike: Yeah. Come to think of it, they both had a daughter.... oh ....

Mary Sue: What is it?

Eike: Well, Mr. Eckart said... his daughter, she�s gone....

Mary Sue: You mean - ? Something happened to her?

Eike: Yeah, a crime of some sort. But like twenty years ago. And the funny thing is, it seems like he�s still waiting for her to come back....

Mary Sue: I see � I guess that happens. It�s like Hugo not being able to forget Mother. Family ties are strong, aren�t they.

Eike: Say, it�s gotten dark already. Sorry if I�ve kept you.

Mary Sue: Not at all! I enjoyed the conversation. Oh, here we are. Will you wait a second?

(Mary Sue goes inside the Squires mansion to deliver her load, freeing both Eike and myself from her presence for a few moments. As we both enjoy the peace, Eike notices a woman walking in the opposite direction up the road. She is blonde and vaguely familiar even at a distance.)

Eike: Dana!? (Hesitates for a few seconds then takes off running after her. Any excuse to run away from Mary Sue will do. Dana, if it is indeed Dana, rounds the corner ahead of Eike who is running towards her like Ayame towards Shigure. He rounds the corner behind her only to find that she has pulled the Homy disappearing trick and has gone bye-bye.)

(Time for a bit of Omake Theatre! Meaning that whilst Eike is doing his chase scene, something else is happening at the same time.)

(Omake theatre.)

(Mary Sue hands her load to a lady at the Manors door and then leaves. Meanwhile, Eike is still standing in the middle of the street looking back and forth for his beloved waitress. Mary Sue runs out to where she left Eike to find him GASP gone! OH NO!)

(End Omake theatre.)

(Next Scene.)

(Eike runs back over to Mary Sue, looking all upset. Hell I would too if I had to give up Dana for her.)

Mary Sue: What�s the matter? (Girl, see my above statement.)

Eike: It�s just that she looked like her.

Mary Sue: (Jealously.) That girl you�ve been looking for?

Eike: Yes, but I lost sight of her. Maybe it wasn�t even her. (Poor Homy, he�s barking up the wrong tree. Eike is by far the straightest pretty guy I have ever come across in a game.)

(Eike turns away from Mary Sue and starts looking around for Dana as though she�s just going to pop out from behind a tree and go "April Fool�s!")

Mary Sue: (Still jealous because Eike isn�t paying attention to her. Did that sound as hypocritical as I think it did?) Well, I need to go home now. Is that all right?

Eike: Of course. Sorry about that.

Mary Sue: It�s okay. But � you really are from a different world altogether, aren�t you. (Yep. He came here on a raft. The Time travelling thing was just to throw you off.)

(Mary Sue walks away and I am more then happy to leave things as they are. No Eike, don�t do or say anything!)

Eike: I, ah, well....

(He follows her. Right that�s it. Everyone in this entire game is on time out right now. Except for Homy because he has yet to do one wanky thing. I just know this is gonna come back to bite me on the bum.)

Mary Sue: Don�t worry. I won�t tell anyone about the things you�ve told me. Not that anyone would believe me anyway.

Eike: Thank you. It would be better if you could. I don�t think I should be leaving anything behind in this age � (Too late for that Eike. Remember the postcard you gave that kid? Oops...) not just actual things but talking about stuff too, like I just did.

Mary Sue: Huh? What do you mean?

Eike: Well, like � suppose I were to kill someone in this age. (I hope this is subtle forshadowing on Mary Sue�s fate.)

Mary Sue: That�s a terrible thing to say. (Says the girl who murdered Dana.)

Eike: Oh. Bad example? Well, anyway, if that person were suppose to live till 100 and have lots of kids and grandkids.... But if I interfere with his life at this point, those kids and grandkids will never be born, and all their descendants in my time will just disappear. Do you get that?

Mary Sue: (Feeling just like Eike did when Homy explained the coffee/tea theory although this is a lot simpler. Stupid Mary Sue.) Yes. I think so.

(They reach the Wagner house again and Mary Sue goes up to the door.)

Eike: So the more I interfere with the past, the more the future will change. It may not be as serious as that example I just used, but anything I do here could affect the future.

(They go inside and the scene fades out. I am more then half way through this God awful Mary Sue/Eike dialogue. Dear Lord, give me strength, give me courage to face my enemies and be strong. Though my adversary the lion roarath about with the cloven hoofed demons of Hell, give me the power to plough on and not resort to nasty genocide.)
Quiz 2: Who should Eike get with?

Mary Sue. They�re destined to be together! Neither time nor wanky dialogue can keep them apart!

Homy. Yaoi�s the way to go and he and Eike certainly could keep each other going...

Dana. A blonde for a blonde. It�s a perfect match!

Sibylla. Young love...

That old woman from present day Lebensraum. Wha~t-uh?

Brum.

Brum�s ~~gay lover~~/friend.

Mr. Eckart. Eike sure as Hell needs a sugar daddy.

The Butcher girl. So Eike can have �meat� whenever he wants.

The Fortune Teller.

Hugo, because we all know that Eike enjoyed his body searching more then he let on.

Wolfy. So that they can share the �stone.�

Dude, Eike should be with ME!

No one. Company would crowd Eike�s style.

(Next scene: Inside the Wanky Wagner house of Doom.)

(Mary Sue walks inside as Eike closes the door behind them.)

Mary Sue: I don�t quite understand yet, but I�ll sleep on it. (I bet that�s not the only thing she wants to sleep on.) Your age is very interesting to me. I wish I could see it....

Eike: It�s nothing exciting. Kind of boring, really.

Mary Sue: But I still want to see what it�s like � I don�t know why, but I feel such a strong pull towards it. Won�t you take me to your time?

(Eike reels back, mortified at the thought of Mary Sue running amuck in the 21^st century. It�s the fuel of all nightmares.)

Eike: N-no, I can�t do that. It�s not possible. The future�ll change. After all, you�re my �

Mary Sue: Huh...? Your � what?

(There is a choice to be made here, one of two important choices that have to make in the game that will directly affect the story line. You either tell Mary Sue that you think she�s your ancestor or you keep it to yourself. The choices are: "I think you may be an ancestor of mine." Or "Oh, nothing." If you choose the first one you can get the endings A, B1,B2, B3, or C at the conclusion of the game. If you choose the second one you can get endings, D or E. Since I am going to be writing all the endings for you anyway I�ll only write Mary Sue�s response to the first one since the second one is basically the same. However if I don�t pick the first option we miss seeing Homy�s abduction of the baby and that�s an important key point for the first group of endings. It�s more important to write this bit down, even though I hate this scene with a blinding passion and wish death upon it with all my heart. Still Hugo, my little darling, comes to my aid eventually. He is so precious! If I ever had a kid, I�d want him to be like Hugo. ^_^)

(When you pick the first noise there is a weird sound effect and Eike looks as though he has a headache.)

Eike: Ow.... *Clutches his head*

(Black screen then reopens on Eike holding his head.)

Eike: (Thinking to himself.) Wait a sec � did I just say something really important?

Mary Sue: What? I couldn�t hear you!

(You get the option of choosing your response again. Since Eike prefers using the threat of incest to keep Mary Sue at bay, he chooses the first one again.)

(There is a long silence as this tiny bit of assumed knowledge tries to penetrate Mary Sue�s thick brain.)

Eike: It�s not as though I�ve looked up whether I�m descended from you or not. But you should forget about me and live a regular life here in this world.

Mary Sue: Oh....I see. An ancestress, huh.... That�s how you see me. (EW.) I thought.... (Don�t you know that when you assume Mary Sue you make an ASS out of U and ME?) Well, never mind, it doesn�t matter.

Eike: I didn�t mean �

Mary Sue: I�m sorry if I�ve been a bother. I was out of line. (OMG she actually said something smart. Is someone taping this? N E way, Marge goes over and leans on the wall going into �Obligatory Angst mode� as a sad little music theme plays in the background. I laugh.)

Eike: (Trying to contain his own laughter.) Margarete �

Mary Sue: I... I was born here, and someday, I shall marry someone and have children � grow old � and die... (I feel as if my dreams have come true.) and it�s all been decided already, hasn�t it. And then my child will have a child, then that child too... and all the way at the end of that repetition is you, that�s what you mean. And if I were to break away from my time right now, you would never be born. ("FUCK NO!! This cannot be allowed to happen!!" Okay, okay calm down Akito. He�s gotten quite into Eike during this recap, although I think he has a soft spot for Homy too... What? Oh okay. Akitty says that Homy doesn�t look a thing like him. He says that Homy�s fringe sticks out more. Apparently that makes all the difference... anyway, back to the script. Thank God this is almost over.)

Eike: ...something like that, maybe. I can�t be sure. I don�t have any memory of my parents, so...

Mary Sue: I understand. Don�t worry about me, I�m all right. You�ll come over again, won�t you? To tell me all these wondrous things. That�s allowed, isn�t it?

(I bet Homy�s just waiting for the chance to �punish� Eike for something.)

Eike: I will. So � see you again soon.

(Black screen. Three quarters of the way through now. Oh God, remind me next time to drink heavily before having to deal with Mary Sue again. I will undoubtedly be needing some heavy drugs by the end of this chapter. I�m almost hoping the poison will kill Eike off soon I�m that annoyed! ~ Ow... okay, Akito that�s... very... painful...)

(Next scene.)

(The door opens up behind Eike and Hugo enters the building. Bet Eike�s glad for the distraction.)

Mary Sue: Oh � Hugo. Did you just get back?

Hugo: (Thoroughly amused. I�m starting to love him now.) No, I heard everything. (Closes door.) I didn�t mean to be a snoop, but it didn�t seem like I could just walk in. (To Eike.) It�s okay. I won�t tell anyone. (I hope he means about associating with Mary Sue because I figure that would be an embarrassing thing to have going around.)

Mary Sue: Oh, for heaven�s sake. You could have just come in.

Hugo: I was just trying to be tactful. After all, sis �

Mary Sue: That�s quite all right! (Long pause as she once again tries to quickly transition to another topic, quite clumsily at that.) Oh, um, Hugo �

Hugo: What?

Mary Sue: Are you still, you know, Mother�s lock of hair...?

Hugo: (Hand moving protectively towards a little baggy tied to his belt.) What!?

Mary Sue: I know how much you miss Mother. But you can�t carry that thing around forever....

Hugo: (Going Black again.) S �Shut up! What do you mean, �that thing�! How could you say something like that! It�s not as though I�m doing anything wrong! (Throws his hand out like he�s swing dancing again then kicks a stool across the floor. It narrowly misses Mary Sue. Dammit!)

Mary Sue: I�m sorry.... that didn�t come out quite right. But �

Black Hugo: (Glaring at her venomously.) You�re the one who�s being weird! Changing the subject as soon as it gets a little thorny. (Shoves past he and storms towards the "Secret Lab" door. You know what... Hugo is absolutely bloody right. He�s almost as smart as Homy!)

Mary Sue: Hugo....

Black Hugo: (Stops and turns around to glare at either her or Eike. I�m not really sure here and it�s not made clear on the game.) It�s your fault. You ought to know that. (I think it may be Mary Sue. Hugo opens the door and goes inside the lab.)

Mary Sue: Hugo! Father can�t be disturbed!

Black Hugo: (Muffled. Apparently he�s just sitting behind the door.) I know.

Eike: (Clearing his throat.) I, ah, -I should get going.

Mary Sue: Yes � see you soon. I�m sorry it was so hectic around here. (Glances towards the door.) He�s always like this. I just can�t do a thing with him once he gets upset. (EW, EW, DOUBLE, QUADRUPLE EW.) So I just leave him alone when he�s this way. (No wonder he gets upset so much then, if it meant a chance to get away from you, missy.)

Black Hugo: (Muffled.) Hey sis? Are you sure you just want to let him go like this...?

Mary Sue: Oh! Stop that, Hugo! (Glares at the door.)

(Eike stares at her regretting ever calling Homy strange. He was relatively normal compared to this family. The Sohma family is normal in comparison to the Wagner Wankers. Mary Sue continues glaring at the door for a bit then she fishes around in her pocket, pulls something out and walks towards Eike. I become fearful. But it�s only a comb.)

Mary Sue: Well, ah, here.... Will you take it? (EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!) Consider it a token of appreciation � for all the stories you told me. I�ve had that ever since I was little. It�s strange � when I touch it, I sometimes see a picture of this man in my head. (Do we really need to know about this Margarete?) He�s not anyone I�ve met. He�s much, much older � like my father�s age. I have this sensation like he�s patting me on the head, but it doesn�t feel weird at all. Maybe I shouldn�t have told you that. (Long pause.) You must think I�m strange now.

Eike: No, of course not. I thought you were strange long before now.

(Okay, that last bit was a lie. But it was a translation of what Eike was actually thinking. Really!)

Mary Sue: I�ve never told anyone about this. (Oh puke.) Well, anyway, take it. (Shenai, Akito and Wallbug (My editor) all snigger inappropriately.)

Eike: (Examining the white, girly comb trying to figure out ways to stop all his friends from ever laying eyes on it.) Are you sure?

Mary Sue: Yes. Something to remember today by.

Black Hugo: (Muffled and sarcastic.) Good job, sis!

(Hugo gets this Chapter�s �Ripping on Annoying Character�s award.� In fact, he may very well have just won the entire contest! That kicked! I�m so proud of him! *_*)

Mary Sue: Hugo! Stop eavesdropping!

Eike: Thank you, Margarete � see you.

Mary Sue: OK.

(Thankfully, mercifully, glorifully, jubulifully, sweetly, ultimately, finally, wondefully, greatly, terrificully, shcpigglingly, splendidly the dialogue is over and the scene fades to black. The black of my deadened soul.)

(Next scene.)

(Eike is outside the Wagner Wanker house of Doom with his antidote, but more importantly, his girly gift from Mary Sue. I just know how much he values that. Now Dana�s gonna wanna give him something and then Homy�ll wanna give him something. And pretty soon, it�s gonna turn into one huge big fucking competition to give stuff to Eike. You may thank me for the visual image.)

(The Digipad bleeps and Eike goes back to the present where the poison immediately begins to affect him. A 10 second count down begins and you have to select the antidote from the menu to use it. Eike drinks it whilst making all sorts of �I�m gonna spew� noises, then breathes a sigh as instant relief washes over him. He pulls out the girly gift from Mary Sue, looks at it and raises his head to the night sky in prayer. Joyful prayer that his is no longer in her company. How I wish that could remain so for the rest of the game. The chapter ends. I save my game.)

(Jebus jumping on a pogo stick that had to be the longest chapter I�ve written as of yet! That was horrific torture I had to endure for you so I hope you�re fucking happy!! No Akito I don�t want to share any of your Prozac now go get dipped!! Well, I remember someone telling me once, that when you�re being tortured, you reach a certain point where you just stop feeling the pain. I think that is what has happened to me because I feel very sallow right now, even though I�m raging inside from Mary Sue hate. Still, now that I�ve gotten through the longest chapter as of yet I may as well just keep on struggling to the very end. Although, I may need to take a weeks rest filled with plenty of narcotics and painkillers before I can continue. Tallyho...)

(End Chapter.)
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Shadow of Destiny: The script of sarcasm