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To Hold You To My Heart	By : athenandartagnan Category: +S through Z > Suikoden Views: 1575 -:- Recommendations : 0 -:- Currently Reading : 0
Disclaimer: I do not own Suikoden, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.

Chapter List
- 1-To Hold You ToHearHeart
- 2-Defiled
- 1
- 2
Author�s Notes: All right, people, chances are if you�re reading this you�re from the Suikoden Comment Box. However, I�ll give some background just in case there are people reading this who aren�t. Basically, the SCB is an RP blog. Athena and I, D�Artagnan, co-wrote this story as a part of our story on the SCB. We realize that Yuber is horribly out of character, so I will use flames to barbeque lunch should you choose to complain about that. The second chapter also contains sexualized violence, so be forewarned.

Night had fallen on Budehuc Castle, the stars glimmering against the dark canvas of the sky. On the boat, underneath the stars, a secret rendezvous was taking place. Yuber and Nash spoke quietly on the ship, barely over the din of lapping waves.
"Do you think he�ll be upset?" Nash murmured.
"I don�t care if he is," Yuber answered.
"Isn�t that a bit harsh?"
"I don�t care if it is," Yuber said nonchalantly.
"Yuber?"
The two men turned at the new voice, a tension permeating as they realized who had arrived. Out of the darkness, footsteps soft on the deck, came Albert. A mixture of curiosity and relief entered the young man's face as he saw his lover.
"I was looking for you� Why didn't you come back to our room?" A few steps brought the strategist to the blonde's side, and he wrapped his arms around the taller man.
Yuber cringed under the young man�s embrace. He raised his eyes to meet Nash�s, but the redhead did not seem to notice that something was amiss.
"What a predicament�" the demon said in an undertone.
"It is, indeed," Nash answered, raising an eyebrow.
Albert looked up at the strange comments, taking in the grim look on the two blondes' faces. He slowly disengaged himself from Yuber, frowning. "I guess something just flew over my head�"
"Albert, I have something to tell you," thende nde said, glancing at Nash. "Please don�t be upset."
"What is it? You�re making me upset with anxiety." The redhead�s brow was furrowed.
"Nash and I are sort of� well�" the demon began. "Nash�?"
Nash laughed nervously, rubbing at the back of his neck anxiously. Albert stared at the tittering man warily, suspicion festering in the back of his mind. The silence reigned over the three, neither of the blondes able to summon proper words. "You � sort of � what?"
Yuber lowered his gaze, mismatched eyes hidden by the rim of his hat. Nash cleared his throat nervously, unable to look directly at the younger man. "That is to say, we�"
Albert shook his head in denial, backing away from the two. "� It had to happen sooner or later�" The statement was clipped, almost harsh. "There were millions of signs pointing to this� The flirting� The taunts� The blatant ignoring�"
Yuber�s head snapped up. "Ignoring? You ignore me!"
"Only because you ignore me!" Albert roared in response.
"I don�t ignore you," Yuber said, eyes glinting. "I always atteattention to you."
"What are you talking about?" Albert demanded. He glared at the demon, hands curled into fists. However, instead of reacting violently, the young man turned on his heel and storming away. Yuber started at the unexpected response, striding after the other man. Nash watched sadly, already regretting his weakness and wondering if either would ever forgive him.
Yuber caught up to Albert on the other side of the ship, grabbing his shoulder and spinning the redhead to face him. The fiery glare had resided, replaced by something akin to despair. "Albert� Do you hate me?" When Albert tried to move away, Yuber gripped his arms tighter. "Do you?" he asked insistently.
Albert looked down, unable to meet the other's gaze. "� How could I?" he whispered brokenly.
"Because I�m so stupid," the demon said, almost angry with himself.
"You aren�t stupid," Albert murmured.
"Yes, I am. I don�t deserve you."
Yuber released the younger man and began to pace in front of him, burying his hands in his hair in frustration. Albert watched him with a melancholy look in his eyes.
"I don�t want to cry about this�" he whispered..
The demon paused in his pacing. "Albert�"
Albert continued on, rubbing one arm nervously and looking much younger than he was. "I hate crying ... but� I�"
Yuber slowly lifted his hat away, revealing those mismatched eyes in all their alien beauty. "I hate it when you cry."
He looked tentatively at the black-clad man at those tender words. "Yuber, why are we doing this?"
"I don�t know�" the demon said softly. "Because I�m stupid� and I don�t deserve you�"
I already told you, you�re not stupid!" Albert cried.
Yuber regarded his companion with a quiet sort of questioning. "Why do you keep saying that?"
"Because� Because� I like you tng mng me, I think," Albert said, struggling with his feelings. "I don�t know� I�m confused�"
"Aren�t we all?" the blonde muttered. "I don�t know what to do�"
Wrapping his white coat around himself tightly, Albert turned and leaned against the railing of the ship. "I can't really � change you, can I?"
Yuber shook his head, braid swinging with the motion. "No, I guess not� But, if you really cared, you'd accept me as I am."
"I do accept you � but�"
A wry smile claimed the demon's lips. "But I'm not what you want," he finished.
Albert's eyes widened at Yuber's guess, and he shook his head furiously. "No!" he said fervently. "You are what I want! You're everything I want!" He gripped the railing behind him, as if seeking comfort. "I just� I just get � so jealous�" Mentally, he recalled every comment he had heard of the demon's beauty, and he continued. "I shouldn't be jealous though, right? � Please tell me I don't need to be jealous�"
"I don't know� It's not like I don't get jealous," Yuber said weakly, taking a step forward.
"Why the hell would anyone look at me?" Albert sighed raggedly.
"What?" Yuber was more than aware of his own physical appeal, but Albert's lack of self-confidence was appalling. "But you're beautiful!"
"Everyone looks at you! Everyone looks at you and wants you!" exclaimed the redhead, hanging his head. "Because you�re� you�re�"
The wind shifted directions, ruffling their hair and the hems of their clothing. Yuber brushed a tendril of spun gold off his cheek. Albert shivered, wrapping his coat even tighter around himself, and turned his gaze to the blonde, the moonlight shining silver in his eyes.
"You�re graceful, and like a fallen angel�" he continued breathlessly. "And so damn sexy you make me weak in the knees� And I wonder why you let me touch you every time I see you�"
"But you�re intelligent, Albert. If I was smart, I wouldn�t let you go," said Yuber.
The strategist shook his head. "I can�t let you go."
" if if you had to?"
"Death couldn�t keep me away," he said, giving the demon a hard stare .
"�What do you want me to do?" the blonde asked helplessly.
"I � want you to just promise me�" Albert trailed off, looking almost shy as he tried to speak.
"Yes?"
"Promise me you'll always come back." A defeated look crossed the young man's face, and he waited for whatever rejection he feared would be coming.
Yuber, however, looked honestly perplexed. "From where?"
The inquiry made Albert even more miserable, and it showed on his face. "From whatever detour you feel you have to take," he answered quietly. "Because I � can't control you." He ended with conviction, "I don't have any right to."
As he began to understand what Albert was saying, Yuber took a step closer. "I don't want you to be sad�"
A quiet chuckle, lined with distress and despair. "I think I'm always going to be a little sad�"
Yuber resisted the urge to reach out to the strategist, instead turning his head to one side and sighing. "I'm sorry�"
Another bitter laugh. "If you're sorry, I must be so pathetic�" He held his head in one hand, covering his eyes. "I can't believe I'm getting so emotional�"
"You aren�t pathetic," Yuber said, trying to sound reassuring. He reached out and tucked a lock of hair behind the redhead�s ear. "I just don�t want you to waste your life with me."
"But my life didn�t really begin until I met you," said Albert pleadingly. "You�re not a waste of time, Yuber�"
The blonde sighed. "Yes, I am."
"You�ve made every moment worthwhile. And you�ve made me feel more than any other person�" Albert whispered.
"But I�m just a demon," Yuber saiietlietly. "Don�t you want a family?"
"Silverbergs never� remain family for long."
"Did you ever try?"

"I don�t contact my parents anymore," Albert said flatly. "We live totally separate lives."
Yuber shook his head. "That must be a sad existence� I think I�d know best�"
The young man smiled weakly, taking hold of Yuber's hand carefully. "That's why I want you there. Because � you've been there."
A look between dismay and doubt passed the blonde's face. "Do you honestly think I can take the place of a real family?"
Albert's eyes remained on Yu's h's hand as he spoke. "What is a real family?"
"People who love you," responded Yuber, leaning against the railing next to Albert.
"You love me. I love you. Isn't that enough?"
Mismatched eyes looked towards the heavens, as if the celestial bodies would somehow help them in their plight. "� I don't know� Do I love you? Can I love you?"
That hand that held onto Yuber's adjusted slightly, and the two ended up entwining finge"If"If you can cry for me � I believe you can love me. And I'll hold to that belief as long as I have to."
The blonde caught sight of a shooting star and followed it. "You might be holding on forever without ever knowing the truth."
Realizing that he no longer had Yuber's full attention, Albert risked a glance at the other. The intense look, although directed upward, comforted the redhead that Yuber was listening. "But every time you kiss me, and hold me, and touch my face � I feel I don't need words for the truth."
"But you can never really know," the blonde sighed bitterly. "I don't even know."
"I don't need to know. I just need you."
Yuber sighed tiredly, letting go of Albert's hand and taking a step away from the railing. "You're making this too hard�"
"I want this to be hard. I don't want you to think of leaving me� I don't want you to abandon me�"
There was no way to disguise the concern in Yuber's eyes as he turned back to the young man. "I'm not going anywhere! I'll still be here� Just � not with you." When Albert turned away, looking out at the water, Yuber returned to the railing. "Albert � tell me what you want."
"We just had the talk. The talk that decides � so many things," the strategist murmured wearily, almost to himself. "I want you to be mine.ant ant you to hold me every night, and I want to help you understand me�"
"You can�t own me," the blonde said, shaking his head. "How can I love you if I don�t understand you?"
"I don�t know�" Albert said quietly, voice trembling. He was silent for a moment, brow furrowed in concentration. "How can you call me intelligent when I can�t even help us?"
"You are intelligent," Yuber countered, cocking his head slightly. "But your intelligence can�t change the way I feel. And maybe that�s the problem." Albert glanced up at him, a confused look crossing his features. Yuber sighed. "That you want to change me�"
"I don�t want you different," Albert said. "I don�t want you to change�"
"But� you said you did�" It was Yuber�s turn to look confused. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. &quois cis conversation is going in circles. I don�t know what to say� I promised I would come back, and that�s all I can do."
"It is going in circles," Albert admitted. "But where can we� stop this?"
"I�m saying I need to think," Yuber said, disregarding his companion�s question. "But you shouldn�t take me back when I come crawling. � Are youy?&qy?"
He turned to the redhead. Albert was leaning on the railing, face pressed into the palms of his hands. The demon watched him, torn between keeping his hands to himself and reaching out to touch him.
"No�" said the strategist, giving a slight shake of his head. "I think I feel faint� I�m taking way too much in�"
"Maybe you should lie down�" Yuber suggested. Albert nodded, allowing the demon to lower him into a sitting position against the rail. The blonde sat down next to him. "So� I guess this is it for us�"
"If you leave, though�"
"What?"
The redhead seemed to struggle with himself for a moment, trying to find the right words. "I�m just�" Sighing, he looked up at the demon, an almost desperate expression on his face. "� Pe doe don�t tell me it�s over�"
Yuber forced himself to tear his gaze away from the redhead�s. "I�m sorry� But it is over� For now, at least."
Albert closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the railing. Even as Yuber looked at him worriedly, the young man murmured, "Yuber, I will never be angry with you."
"Are you sure?" came the tentative inquiry.
A somber nod. "I've never been so sure in my life." Albert kept his eyes shut, a mirthless smile on his lips. If I freeze my heart and keep everything out, I won't have to deal with being hurt� And I don't like being hurt.

"I can't believe you don't hate me," Yuber voiced, clearly astonished.
Green eyes opened, intense with thought. "Hate is such a � powerful word. It kills and destroys, creates, and changes�" He trailed off weakly, rubbing at his aching temples.
"So you do hate me?" There was no spite as Yuber spoke. "I understand."
"I can't hate you," Albert stated, his voice devoid of emotion. "Just like you can't love me."
An awkward silence settled between the two at those words. The blonde demon shook his head a few times, taking his removed hat into both hands and fingering the material quietly. "You make it sound so � final."
"I don't know where we would pick up again. Hate will change and create, kill and destroy."
"So we're never to be?" he asked deprecatingly. "I don't understand."
A quiet groan escaped Albert as he lowered his head. "When I'm dead and gone, maybe you will."
"Don't talk like that." There was a significant change in the demon's tone as he focused on Albert with those sharp eyes.
"Then what should I talk about?" the other muttered miserably.
"I don't know," Yuber sighed exasperatedly. "Something. Anything. Just � not you dying."
The wind ruffled Albert's dark red locks as he looked down at the dark planks of the boat. "Eighty years from now, you won't even remember my name. I'll just be another person who summoned you and used you in war."
"Albert�" The concern was back, as well as shock. "How can you say that?"
"� And you'll find someone else, and I'll be--"
"In my memories." Yuber had dropped his hat into his lip and brought a finger to Albert's lips, unable to let the other finish. "In my fondest memories, I should say."
Albert looked beyond the silencing finger, reading the tender expression on the other's face. The silence between them stretched for awhile longer.
"What will you do if I start crying?" Albert whispered finally, holding the demon�s gaze.
"I don�t know�" Yuber replied. "Hold you, I guess�"
ft lft look came into the redhead�s eyes. "I want to cry. Something�s telling me to cry� Something�s telling me I just lost something very important."
"This isn�t forever," Yuber said softly.
"Three minutes can stretch to any length of time if necessary. As surely as the sun, destiny moves on�"
"I suppose�" Yuber said thoughtfully, leaning his head against the railing. He stared up at the sky, his face slowrinkrinkling into a frown. "And I�m wasting my time, because you won�t live forever. One day you�ll be old�"
"And you will always be� exactly as you are," Albert murmured. "Never changing. Never aging."
"Always alone," the demon finished. He could not hide the doleful tone to his voice. He shook his head and looked at his red-haired companion. "Is there a point in loving you if I�m just going to lose you? Why get close if it�s doomed from the start?"
"Dammit, Yuber�" Albert said, clearly becoming frustrated. "Do I have to live for the future with everything? Why can�t I just be with you for the moment? In the present?"
Yuber sighed. "You should find someone who can age with you. Someone who won�t be so sad when you die because they know they�ll be following you soon after." He paused, looking crestfallen. "I know I�m selfish."
"Yuber�" Albert began. He shifted in order to take the blonde�s face in his hands. "To sacrifice your wellbeing for another is selfless."
"I�m being selfish," Yuber snarled, wrenching himself from the redhead�s grasp. "I�m making you suffer because I can�t bear the thought of living without you."
Yuber stubbornly kept his gaze averted as Albert watched him. "I� Yuber�"
"Do you understand what I'm saying?"
A slow nod of acknowledgment. "� I do� Someday, I'll look back on this and wonder why it happened�"
Yuber's eyes were still focused off into the distance. "What do you mean?"
Albert shrugged helplessly. "I'll wonder why I had to face a reality that I ran from. I just wanted to die happy."
"You should die happy." His hands returned to the hat in his lap, a frown on his lips. "But you can't find that happiness with me."
Albert again reached out to Yuber, taking one hand away from the hat and resting their entwined hands on the blonde's thigh. "If I die, will you come to me?"
Mismatched eyes trailed to the entangled hands. "Yes� No�" He shook his head sadly. "I don't know� Do you want me to?"
"I want you to be the last thing I ever see." Albert leaned his head back, his free hand covering his eyes. "I wanted you to be the first thing I saw every morning � the last thing I saw every night� I'm sorry, I guess I was thinking about the future�"
"Albert� I don't want to see you die�"
There was a noticeable squeeze from the demon, and Albert focused on keeping his tears back. "Do you still want to see me, though?"
Through the fringes of his hair, Yuber looked at the redhead. "When? When you die?"
"Ever?" whispered the strategist.
"Of course I want to see you � but should I? How can I see you without wanting to touch you?"
"You want me with another man?" Albert asked. He struggled to hold back his tears before he was able to speak again. When he did, his voice shook. "Or a woman? Someone who may break my heart?"
"I did break your heart� didn�t I?" Yuber said softly. "I want to see you happy�"
I was happy," said Albert.
"Even if we were together, what would happen when you got old?" Yuber mused.
"I would wonder why you stayed with me so long�" Albert whispered. A tear slipped down his cheek, and he wiped it away angrilyowliowling low in his throat. "And I would wonder why I never tried harder to stay with you."
"There�s no point in trying." Yuber�s voice hardened into a monotone. "You can�t change my mind."
"Because, of course, I can�t change you. A vicious circle," Albert sighed.
Yuber glanced at the strategist. "It�s the way it was to be� Hearts heal, and maybe you�ll forget me before I could even think of forgetting you."
"� What if I didn�t have to die?" Albert asked suddenly.
A cloud passed over the moon, blocking out the last remaining source of light. Their eyes met, glints of silver in the darkness, and Albert was unable to suppress a shudder. He hugged himself, waiting for Yuber�s reply.
"Maybe we could be together�" Yuber said slowly. "But you�d get bored of me. And� we can�t change the fact that you�ll die one day�"
"There are ways to the corridors of eternity," Albert said wisely.
"So you�ll try to become immortal?" Yuber sounded almost incredulous.
"I want to walk with you forever," Albert proclaimed, touching the demon�s shoulder.
Yuber shook his head. "Nothing is forever."
"Apparently, you are," Albert shot back.
"But love isn�t," Yuber insisted, clutching his hat. "If that�s what you can call this."
"It isn't infatuation. It isn't love if one cannot express it. But longing can go for as long as it must," the white-coated man said firmly, still clutching the taller man's shoulder. The breath is his throat hitched as something occurred to him, his eyes widening in the dark. "� I know how I can become immortal."
Realizing that the conversation had been taken to another level, Yuber stared directly at Albert. "Why throw away your humanity?"
"What has humanity given me other than a destiny of seeking war?" responded the redhead, his voice ho and and his eyes unfocused.
"What will immortality give you?"
Albert's eyes refocused, and Yuber found that meaningful look telling him everything even before the other spoke. "You. And I'll be damned if you try to push me away after going through hell and back."
Yuber sighed, again breaking his gaze from the younger man. "Albert, don't be stupid," he ground out. "A hundred years may seem short, but they add up. You will grow tired of me. Then what will you have?"
"I'll have time to remember why I loved you to begin with."
"And then what?" persisted Yuber, unable to believe the other was pursing such a radical dream. "I will be long gone by then."
Again, those green eyes unfocused, staring out into the darkness beyond Yuber. "And then... I can pass my darkness to the entire world. And I won't be alone." Yuber's gaze was one of distress and worry, following rt'rt's hand as it was withdrawn from his shoulder. Both hands joined to cradle the young man's head. "� My head hurts."
Yuber nodded sharply. "It's because you're thinking foolish thoughts," he said fervently. "Stop it. At least try to fathom the consequences."
"Should I release you from our contract, then? Let you continue your damned existence?"
"Do what you want." The blonde shrugged and averted his eyes from the redhead.
Albert shook his head, saddened by the demon's nonchalance. "You're horrible. And I can't hate you."
He glanced back. "Are you going to pursue this quest to become immortal?"
Albert inhaled and exhaled several times, battling with whatever ethics remained in his rattled mind. "... No."
"Why not?" Taking in the tired and defeated look on the strategist's face, Yuber moved to sit closer to Albert.
"Because then you would hope. And I've given you too much hope."
"Hope for what? Your eternal damnation?" Yuber murmured bitterly. "I want you to die someday."
He nodded slowly. "I want you to die someday, then."
"That's impossible," the demon sighed crossly.
"I will have Pesmerga kill you, if necessary. I will..."
"Because you can't do it yourself?"
Albert shook his head at the question. "Because no one else can."
Yuber�s face hardened. "Very well. If that�s the way it must be, then so be it. If you want revenge that badly�"
"Revenge?" Albert looked genuinely puzzled. He traced Yuber�s cheek with the back of one finger, looking fondly at the demon. "This is retribution. This is what I will do for you. Because you are so selfish. Because you are so selfless. And because eternity is too long for anyone�"
"This is why I don�t deserve you�" Yuber whispered.
"You deserve every ounce of me, but you don�t realize it," Albert said. &quou oou only realize that you would sacrifice for me. Why won�t you accept that I�d do the same for you?"
"I�m only making us both unhappy. You should hate me just for that."
"Yuber, hatred never settled anything," Albert said softly. "It just makes everything hurt worse in the end�"
"I suppose�"
Albert took one of Yuber�s hands in both of his and kissed it, letting another tear slip down his cheek. &;I l;I love you."
"I love you too�" Yuber said slowly.
"I adore you," Albert pressed on.
Yuber said nothing. The redhead sighed and leaned against the demon�s shoulder, closing his eyes to stifle the flow of tears. They sat in silence, Albert shivering against the blonde�s side.
A ragged sigh finally passed Yuber's lips. "I wish I could be with you forever."
"You � say I'm intelligent�" Albert's murmur was nearly carried off by the evening breeze.
The blonde nodded in confirmation. "You are."
"I will find a way for us." Albert tucked himself further into his coat as the cold bit at his skin. "I will find a way for us to be together."
"� If you must�"
"When that time comes, we must decide. Again."
Yuber shifted slightly, feeling the young man's warmth next to him and feeling a distinct comfort in the contact. "But don't waste your life looking for it. There's so much more than just me in this world."
Albert smiled wanly. "But the entire world can't compare to you. That's why� That's why� That's why we have to part, I guess."
"If only we could love without restrictions," Yuber sighed longingly.
A rueful glimmer reached the strategist's eyes. "I've always wanted to live that dream. But dreams� Our dreams � just won't come to fruition." A significant pause. "Not without help."
"Our help?" inquired the demon.

"Yes"Yes."
"What am I supposed to do?" Yuber tilted his head questioningly. "I don't even know where to start."
"Just don't give up on us."
"I�m not like you," Yuber said, shaking his head. "I live to kill and destroy. I�m not as smart."
"But you are everything I am not."
"Violence? Chaos? Hatred?" Yuber supplied. He looked helpessly at the redhead. "I don�t know what to do�"
"Just� hold me for now� please," Albert whispered. He shifted closer to the demon, wrapping the black-clad arms around his shoulders and tucking his head into the crook of Yuber�s neck. "I want to just hold you, and I want to know you�re with me. Just for this moment."
Yuber sighed and squeezed the young man�s shoulders, closing his eyes and burying his face in the soft red hair. Neither spoke for several minutes. Albert smiled wistfully, listening to Yuber�s heartbeat, slow and steady, against his ear.
"But� we still can�t be together, not until you find a way," Yuber said finally.
"For now, though� I want to just be yours, and I don�t want age to matter," Albert murmured. He inclined his head and placed a tender kiss on the demon�s cheek. "I don�t want life to matter, or death."
"Wanting doesn�t make it so," Yuber said wisely.
"Just hol, pl, please," Albert begged, clinging to the blonde. "I want to sleep in your arms� Just once more."
&
"All right�" Yuber said, drawing the strategist close. "But I might not be here in the morning�"
"Then you won�t have to see my tears�" Albert whispered.

"Nor you mine."
"It�s all right�" Albert said quietly. "� I will always love you."
There was a pause before Yuber answered. "I feel the same�"
Albert was silent. Yuber adjusted the redhead in his arms, tilting his face upwards. He was asleep. The demon sighed, wrapping the coat tighter around the sleeping form for insulation. He looked up at the moon, breathing out a long sigh.
"I do love you� don�t I?"
The only answer was the wind.
~FIN~
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To Hold You To My Heart